Previously on Warehouse 13.
Hello. I have a special... Order.
Do you have a date? No.
Be yourself.
So, what high school did you go to?
Why all the questions about my past?
What am I doing here?
What kind of advice is, "Be yourself"?
Because myself is a giant freakazoid.
When you said, "Meet me at the diner,"
I thought you'd arranged some lame meet with me and Todd.
Todd.
Hey.
Get out.
Yeah, leaving.
My lips can't focus. I'm too excited.
Me, too.
I know the Warehouse is finally getting a computer upgrade.
Right.
The IRS warehouse where you work.
Exciting. Very exciting.
I know, right? That place has been running
on a first-gen eight-bit GUI since like the Stone Ages.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I keep forgetting you're not a high tech kind of guy.
Hey, I'm pumped if you're pumped,
but my computer skills go as far as getting new ringtones for my cell phone.
You're cute for a luddite.
Oh! Yikes, I'm late.
We have this guy coming to install the new system.
Some mucky-muck from some place called Global Dynamics.
Catch up later?
I could bring lunch.
Crustless PB and J, Twinkies and Doritos?
And an orange for fiber.
Mmm, that's why I loves me some Todd.
What... What...
What are you doing?
Do you have any idea what you're doing?
Look, I was asked to upgrade this place to class seven standards
and I can't do that with you constantly interrupting me.
Adapt. This is not Eureka.
I will not have you gutting my system.
Your guts are rotted.
All right, every single wire has to go exactly back where it was.
Half of these aren't even wires.
This one looks like shoelace.
All right, let me be perfectly clear.
There's no metal. Just ask the lady
that asked me to come and ask her what she wants me to do.
Heyo! If you damage any of my data,
you will not come within an inch of a computer for the rest of your life.
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie.
Artie, why don't we let our special guest,
who I bet Mrs. Frederic wouldn't have sent here
if he was trouble, do his thing, huh?
Come on, buddy.
He's a Global Dynamic geek.
I know. He's soulless.
He's made up of binary numbers.
Yeah.
I'll tear his heart out if I need to.
Hello?
Wire in the hole?
I drop stuff down there all the time.
Hold onto me, will you?
I'm Claudia. Resident tech girl.
Douglas. Douglas Fargo. Everyone just calls me Fargo.
Okay, Doug.
Neat gizmo, huh?
Yeah. What makes it glow?
Is it like a phosphorous compound?
No. It belonged to Ben Franklin,
amplifies human energy to...
First time in the Warehouse?
Until the scary lady with the beehive showed up,
I kind of thought Warehouse 13 was just an internet rumor.
So, any chance after I'm done with the install,
I could get a tour?
Ooh, no can do, outlander.
You've only got blue level clearance.
I have to ask, is this GasP?
Better than GasP. This is going to replace all of that.
It's from Global Dynamics, where I work.
Well, run, I guess. I'm in charge.
What about this thing?
It's a MARA. A Maintenance and Repair Automaton.
It's for use in unmanned space stations, large facilities.
I actually invented it.
But I was going to install it with your system, but your boss vetoed it.
Yeah, Artie would have vetoed fire
if he'd been born just a couple years earlier.
So you ready to fire up Warehouse 13.1 or what?
Let's get this over with.
Okay.
Shutting down the old systems now.
And bring in the new.
Anybody going to ask me to dance?
What exactly did you do?
The new OS should have come right on.
Oh, really?
I hope that means we can't park here.
Catastrophic failure detected.
Catastrophic is a bad word.
Those eyes are popping up all over the Warehouse.
Is this thing looking at me?
And what are they doing?
I think they're watching us.
This is all your fault, Bismarck.
Fargo. And it is not my fault.
When we shut down the old system,
some sort of failsafe activated.
I'm completely locked out.
You didn't think to mention there was a failsafe?
I didn't know there was a failsafe.
And aren't so-called computer experts supposed to realize that before
you shut down a system?
Okay, boys, take it outside.
Let me work a little Claudiaosity.
I never should have let you in here.
Well, it wasn't exactly your decision now, was it?
Hey. Oh, no, you didn't.
That's not coming from this office.
All systems functioning within acceptable parameters.
That voice.
I recognize that voice.
That's Hugo Miller's voice.
Who?
He was the original designer of the Warehouse systems.
Where are you going?
Um, the computer lab.
You have a computer lab?
More like a computer morgue.
You didn't think to mention there was a computer lab?
Well, later on, I'll make a list for you
of all the things that I didn't think to mention.
Has this been running the entire time?
No, of course not.
The place has been shut down for 35 years. So why is it...
You know what? Spread out,
don't touch anything but look for an off switch.
Who was Hugo Miller?
Brilliant man and more than a little devious.
He actually encouraged Bill Gates to go in one direction
while pushing Steve Jobs to go in another.
Hey.
Hugo spent years down here
integrating the whole Warehouse into a workable platform.
Looks like he spent a lot of time playing with himself, too.
No way.
Awesome! Lemon-lime!
Pete, that's been here for years.
If I were you, I'd put that down.
Hugo was a huge practical joker.
He'd leave exploding cans of pop everywhere.
Used to drive everybody nuts.
Artie, what happened to him?
He retired.
Hello, blinky.
Bet that's the failsafe. There must be a main power junction.
Are you all right?
I've been hit with worse.
You sure?
This thing is tied into the failsafe.
Whoa, take a gander.
It's uploading a massive amount of data from our mainframe.
Whatever it is, I think it's moving in.
This failsafe is hardwired into the whole system,
into the temperature regulators, the security feeds,
into the neutralizer pump.
Maybe that's okay. We were installing a new computer anyway.
Well, one we can control.
Why don't we just bring Hugo Miller here?
I told you, he's retired.
Retired? Or...
No, he's alive. Don't be dramatic.
There were rumors of a nervous breakdown, but...
Well, sitting in a windowless room for 10 years playing Monopoly with Hal?
What could go wrong?
Do we know where he retired to?
Place called Hutchinson, it's in Featherhead.
Featherhead, that's two hours away.
We should at least go talk to him.
It's worth a try.
Yeah, I think I could "retire" here.
Well, let's check you in then.
Hugo doesn't get many visitors.
Just give me a moment.
I wonder if they give sponge baths here.
Do you know every former Warehouse agent we've ever known
is either crazy, evil or dead?
Or all three.
You can come in now.
Mr. Miller, we're from the...
I know who you are.
You're President Ulysses S. Grant and the snowman.
You've come because it's Arbor Day,
and there aren't enough zippers to go around.
Well, at least he's not evil or dead.
Yet.
Hugo?
We have some questions about something you built years ago,
a backup computer system.
It went round and round,
spinning and spinning and dancing and flying.
This is not going to be a standard interview.
No, no, it's not.
The koala bear is actually a marsupial.
"All systems functioning within acceptable parameters."
Hmm.
"Recovery failsafe is active."
Yes, Hugo, exactly.
Exactly. The failsafe. How do we shut it off?
You don't have the code.
Agent Miller, President Grant is ordering you to give us the code.
Of course, Mr. President,
but I must be paid in bicycles.
Can do.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm not paying a bicycle for that.
You know, maybe we should just take him back to the Warehouse.
Warehouse 13?
Yeah. Yeah. You remember Warehouse 13?
The spinning and the dancing, and...
And the boxes.
If he sees the Warehouse, he may remember the code.
What do you think about that, buddy? Huh?
Can we get ice cream?
Yeah. If that's what you want. Yeah.
Definitely. Okay.
Ice cream.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hugo. Hey!
No!
We got everything on Hugo Miller.
Excellent. Is it hard to find?
Yes and no.
Perfect. All we have to do is go through...
All of it's redacted.
Who would do that? The Regents.
Crossing things out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, they found Hugo collapsed
on aisle Allentown-22C. Cited it as mental exhaustion.
Um, guys, it's finishing.
Please don't blow up.
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
No, no, no, we're still locked out.
Is that...
Hugo.
It's Agent Miller.
Agent Nielsen, I am Hugo One.
I assume control in the event of catastrophic failure.
Holographic artificial intelligence.
Must be one of the earliest models ever.
That would explain the Tom Selleck mustache.
We were just installing a new system. There is no catastrophic failure.
I will be the judge of that.
The judge?
My eyes are currently scanning the Warehouse for irregularities.
I must also review decades of artifact retrieval and personnel files.
Excuse me.
At least he's polite.
Artie, look, we found Miller, okay? But he's a complete nut job.
He kept talking about spinning and dancing.
He Tesla'ed us, Artie.
Well, his program is some kind of artificial intelligence.
Bring him back here so he can turn this thing off.
Yeah, he kind of slipped away from us,
so we'll call you back when we get him.
This is very unusual. He's normally quite docile.
We checked. He's not on hospital grounds.
Here are his records you asked for.
Thank you.
You know, Myka.
Yeah.
This guy couldn't have spun or danced far.
Spinning and dancing, right.
On the way here, we saw...
I think I might know where he is.
What? What? What? What did we saw?
Hugo, are you okay?
So sad.
It worked last time.
Hey, Hugo, hey, buddy,
I'm going to put these bright shiny bracelets on you, okay?
And you can tell us all about it on the way to the Warehouse. Yeah?
Come on up.
Yeah, let's do this one first.
Hugo, we really need your help.
Can't help without the spinning.
So why would he model Hugo One after himself?
Lots of programmers do that.
I mean, I never have. But some others do.
But this is impossible.
When this was developed, A.I. Was just science fiction.
If something seems impossible,
it usually means there's an artifact involved.
He's coming back.
I have completed my analysis.
And everything's cool, right? So you can skedaddle.
Claudia Donovan, your file shows nine separate incident reports.
I actually thought it would be more.
I guess he's got your number.
Douglas Fargo,
your Global Dynamics profile
includes the phrase "inappropriately pushed button 38 times."
Wait, wait, wait, you can access my G. D. File?
No, no, he's accessing the Warehouse system.
If I can view an ATM in Sweden, for example, then so can Hugo One.
Agent Nielsen, your unconventional management skills are subpar.
Okay, I've have had just about enough of you.
I have determined the source of the recent catastrophic event.
Which is?
The agents who work here.
I have completed my analysis.
- Todd? - Hey!
Where are you? Your Doritos are getting cold.
Shoot. Ah, I'm sorry. This is... Got a bit of an emergency here,
I'm going to have to reschedule lunch.
Oh, okay. No problem.
Maybe dinner?
God, I hope so.
- Who's that? - Nobody.
I'm nobody? No, you're Todd.
This is Todd. I can't talk right now.
Who is that?
Nobody. I'm nobody?
No.
Uh, I can't do this. I'm going to have to call you...
External communications are for Warehouse business use only.
Maybe a bad idea anyway.
So who's Todd?
A guy. A friend. A guy friend.
It's not serious. Why?
Yeah, no particular reason. I just got the impression that...
Just call her when your voice has changed.
We have work to do. Hugo One,
I think that your calculations are incorrect.
The agents are not the problem here.
Falcon Scott Protocol initiated.
No, no, no. You can't be serious.
Protecting the Warehouse is my primary function.
No. No.
What's Falcon Scott Protocol?
Well, the system initiates a temperature drop to subzero
to protect the artifacts.
And what happens to us?
Ooh! Oh, that was fast.
Anything useful in that file about our Lawrence Welk back there?
It's weird. There's a recent neuroimaging of his brain
and it shows that there's a whole section of it that's completely dormant.
And there's no explanation why.
I need to shed a tear.
Don't we all?
I think he means he needs to go to the bathroom.
What? Yeah.
My uncle used to say that.
Hugo, okay, you hold it. Okay?
I just got this baby detailed.
There's a gas station down the road.
Jeez, it's cold in here.
You think by saying that every three minutes, it's going to get any warmer?
We've got about an hour left before it becomes life threatening.
Then where are you taking us? We gotta...
I didn't catch that.
What the hell is... Whoa!
You took off his cuffs?
He likes to sit.
That's not in my job description.
Ice cream.
Not now, Hugo.
That's what it was like in the bathroom.
Fine, you know what? Grab me some Twizzlers.
I'm going to call Artie and see what's up.
Artie, I can't understand you.
Albert grows things.
Huh?
Yeah, he's had a long day.
Just keep the change and thank you.
Artie, slow down.
Well, there's a new one.
I think the Farnsworth is broken.
Babble, babble, babble.
Okay. Artie, I don't know if you can hear me
but I went through Hugo's medical file
and half of his brain is burned out.
"Bring Hugo back. Computer has taken over..." What?
Mmm.
Okay, we have to get back there now.
All right, buddy, we're going for a ride.
I'm going to have a little chat with Hugo One.
Lattimer and Bering? That's what I thought.
Hands above your head.
Hey, pal, you're making a mistake.
Don't push me, cowboy!
Or we could just raise up our hands.
Yeah.
Don't you have any artifacts that make it warmer?
Increases elasticity, makes pigeons dance. Nothing here.
I don't get it. How is any of this dangerous?
Oh, trust me, if it's been snagged, bagged and tagged, it's got an evil streak.
So, Todd, is he your boyfriend?
Guy friend.
Okay. Boyfriend. He's nice.
What about you? Girlfriend?
Used to. She doesn't exist anymore.
Oh. When you break up, you really break up.
I'm new to the whole dating meme.
I mean, I like Todd, but he thinks I work in a tax warehouse,
so it's not like I could say, "Hey, sorry, I can't make our date,
"an evil computer took over my workplace."
Be nice if I could just have someone in my life I could be honest with, like you.
Yeah. Nice.
Oh!
Ooh!
Hey. A Zoetrope.
I used to have one of these when I was a kid.
Yeah, that would probably make... Fargo, no!
I think I just saw your whole life flash before my eyes.
And?
Was that a genie costume?
No.
"Max Wertheimer's Zoetrope.
"Allows for mind transference."
Get out! Wertheimer.
He was the Gestalt guy in the '20s.
He pioneered the study of the brain's thought processes.
I spent some time in a psych unit... Research facility.
Hey, wait a second, Myka said Hugo kept talking about spinning and dancing.
Unauthorized removal of artifact.
Security measures engaged.
Those are my MARAs.
Hugo One's been playing with your toys.
But they're just for maintenance and repair though, right?
Mostly.
Whoa!
Nice!
Run!
Don't move. Cops are on the way.
Okay, look, Leo, I think you're kind of stepping in it here, bro,
I mean, the thing is, we're kind of in a hurry.
Yeah, no kidding, pretty boy.
I saw you on the APB.
You're wanted for kidnapping, probably that guy, right?
The A.I. It must've accessed the internet through the Warehouse.
You think it doesn't want us to bring Hugo back?
Look, Leo, you're making a huge mistake because we're Secret Service.
Look, I'm just going to reach for my badge slowly
and I'm going to throw it over to you and just take a look at it.
This looks real.
That's because it is real, Leo.
But the Secret Service protects the President.
Yeah, and the President's nowhere else around here!
Not as stupid as you thought, huh?
Hey, hey, hey. What?
Soda pop goes boom!
Pete, are you okay?
What's he talking about?
I don't know.
Blast off with lemon launch.
Remember? Huh? Hugo makes his own lemony launches.
"Houston, we have a problem."
What's wrong with him?
Do not get me started.
Hugo, doesn't Leo look thirsty?
What a lark.
Look out!
That's it?
What the hell?
Billy Jack!
What did you think was going to happen with a can of soda pop?
The guy built a computer that can have us arrested.
I thought his practical jokes would do more than make the floor sticky.
Sticky!
You wanted to chat?
God, I hate that.
I intercepted Donovan and Fargo attempting to remove an artifact
from Allentown-22C.
But you didn't hurt them, right?
The dropping temperatures will soon preclude any further breeches of protocol.
Bully for you. Very happy for you.
Listen, Hugo One, I was thinking, you know,
while we're waiting for me to take the big sleep,
that you and I, I don't know, we could pass the time,
maybe by playing a game.
Attempting to distract me with games is futile.
I know. I know. I know. But come on, Hugo.
Come on. You can't resist playing a game, any game, I know you can't.
Does that work? No!
Stupid MARAs.
We can't stay in here forever.
We can stay in here until that thing wakes up.
Out, out, out. We got to go.
Was that the original...
Don't say its name! Trust me on this.
It could get ugly.
All right, come on, we're the two biggest techno brains in the Dakotas
and we're totally getting our asses kicked by Colossus.
That ring you have, can it amplify anything other than human energy?
Like for instance?
For instance, a laser.
Marry me!
D-9.
Miss.
D-10.
Hit.
Ah!
You sunk my battleship.
Sorry.
A-7.
Miss, again.
If this works, we'll probably only have a few seconds
before it drains the cutter's charge.
Hey, if we die, it's been fun.
Agreed.
Awesome.
Fargo, watch out.
It is my destiny!
Twenty years of practicing in front of a mirror for the best four seconds of my life.
We rule!
I like Todd.
I had a completely different thought.
No, I mean... I'm really sorry.
I like you, Fargo. I do.
But when we kissed, I was totally thinking of Todd.
I really like him. He's not just some guy.
He's the guy I think about when I impulsively kiss guys I've just met.
We're still cool, right?
Yeah, totally.
Good. Let's find this Zoetrope and get it to Artie.
This is why Jedi turn to the dark side.
Come on, Hugo.
Okay. Artie's here.
Yes, yes, he is. He's here. Come on. Let's go see Artie.
What's wrong?
It won't open.
Tick tock, change the lock.
Oh, man. I knew this was going to happen someday.
The computers have taken over.
Step one, kill Pete and Myka.
Step two, unleash the nuclear arsenal and then bam!
Pretty soon, we're all in human breeding camps wearing fur bikinis.
You know what? Sometimes I think your brain is the artifact.
It's just... It's just a program, Pete.
Computers can't think for themselves, all right?
Mine does.
Okay.
E-3.
Hit.
You've won, which is impossible.
Well, not when you've played the way I have.
See, I never put any of my battleships on the board.
You cheated.
You know what I think? I don't think that you're artificial intelligence.
You're Hugo Miller. Part of him, anyway.
Pete and Myka have the other part, don't they?
You...
You don't know anything about me.
Well, I think I know more about you than you do yourself.
I know that you loved wearing those hideous leisure suits,
and I know you had a fat orange cat,
and I know that you always cheated at games.
It used to drive everybody completely crazy.
And for some reason, the part of you that loves games is still in there,
and the part of you that cheated is not.
Hugo, what the hell happened?
Full programming was discontinued by the Regents, deemed too dangerous.
But the potential for human-computer interface is invaluable
to the scientific community.
And so you took a shortcut. You cheated, you used an artifact.
I may have miscalculated.
Instead of copying my electroencephalographic waves,
it transferred them.
Half of Hugo's brain didn't burn out.
It's in the computers.
Well, the left side anyway.
The compassion and intuition and improvisation, that's still in Hugo's body.
Hugo, you can't run the Warehouse with half a brain.
I mean, look, I was able to trick you at a child's board game.
Let Pete and Myka
come back to the Warehouse with the real Hugo.
Let us try to put your brain back together.
Oh, man, I'm really starting to hate these things.
Well, hello.
No, no, Hugo. No, no, no.
That's a bad sound.
Pete, I really think that we should just...
Take cover! Take cover!
Hugo, get down! Get down! Get down!
Artie? Artie, we got it. Max Wertheimer's Zoetrope!
Hugo Miller could've used this to copy his brain into Hugo One.
That's why he was able to create such a sophisticated A.I. 25 years ago.
Except that he's not an A. I. And it's not a copy.
It's really half of Hugo Miller's brain in there,
which is why he can't function as a full human being. Right, Hugo?
Your argument has merit.
The right side of my brain should be reconnected with the left,
but not in human form, inside the computer.
You'll be trapped in there.
The human body fails after a few years.
Computers are forever.
He has a point.
If I help you then what do I get?
I shall lift the restrictions and abort Falcon Scott Protocol.
Lattimer and Bering may return to the Warehouse with Miller and complete the transference.
If you do this, you know you'll be killing the real Hugo Miller.
No.
The real Hugo Miller will become his life's work.
Okay, Hugo, that thing's firing freaking laser beams at us, man.
We have to get past that eye.
Where is the Tesla?
Oh, it's in the car. I'll get it.
Careful. Be careful.
Okay. Okay, but it's not fully charged.
All right, well, it's our only shot.
Well, I'm a better shot, so I should take it.
Bull.
Okay.
It's gone.
Hugo?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hugo, you go first.
Pete! What?
Just...
All right, I'll go.
Artie, you can't do this.
I know.
It's just Hugo One has left us no option.
So what? This lamp thing is going to suck out the rest of this poor guy's brain?
Yes. The Warehouse comes first.
We all knew that going in.
Hello, there.
Wait, that's...
Hugo. What?
I'll explain later.
Shall we begin?
No. No. Artie, we're not going to feed a former agent to some pissed off Atari.
No, no, Pete.
What the hell are these things going to do?
What the hell are those things going to do?
Nets? Fire? I don't know.
Or spinning blades.
No, no, no. No, no. It's okay, guys. I got it. It's okay.
Just stay back there and don't make it angry.
Hugo? That is not necessary.
We will do exactly as we've agreed.
Thank you.
Until the procedure is complete, all systems will remain on automatic.
You will continue to be locked out of any access.
Guys? Could you please hurry because I already shaved once today.
Please connect the Zoetrope to the failsafe.
Claudia.
Sorry.
The spinning.
Begin.
Artie, you can't. You have to stop this. There's a person in there.
All right, now.
Now, what?
The lights have dimmed. Yeah, and?
That's exactly what happened when Hugo One first...
Was first turned on. ...turned on.
So now we've got a shot because...
Because the transfer might be taking up most of his processing power.
Yes. We might be able to get back into the system.
Exactly.
You can remotely access the Warehouse through your laptop?
I hacked in from Switzerland once.
Sweet.
Guys, we're losing him.
There's a pass code. Crack it.
It's six digits or letters.
I'm counting on your hackery.
I need more than eight seconds.
Ah! Myka, the picture!
He gave us this code when we visited him.
It's a picture of a cat.
Wait, he had a fat orange cat. What was the name of the cat?
Fatty catty! Orangy? Try Orangy.
No go.
Orangy. Really?
Albert. Albert. It's Albert.
How do you know that?
Because we went into that store and he got...
Hugo said, "Albert grows things. " The name of his cat is Albert.
I'm in. Yes!
Yes! All right.
Lock him out of everything, but this lab.
Illegal access. Disengage.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Time to set things right.
What are you all doing in my office?
Hugo, you don't remember?
Remember what?
I was in the middle of a procedure and I...
Oh.
Oh, what the hell is this? What?
What?
Hugo, buddy, we got a little story to tell you.
Let's go get some ice cream.
I can't. I'm lactose intolerant.
Ooh. What?
Do you ever think about our future here?
Like how do we not end up with our brains scrambled
or blown up or whatever new way to die there could be?
Well, I mean, look at the bright side,
I'm usually within 10 feet of you
so whatever terrible thing happens to you will probably happen to me, too.
Comforting.
You know, when we play rock, paper, scissors, you don't always have to pick rock.
I don't always pick rock.
Yes, you do.
All right, next time I will pick scissors.
See, you shouldn't have told me that.
And that should do it. All the most recent patches and upgrades.
I cannot wait to see all the technical achievements I've missed.
Did Billy Gates ever get that project of his off the ground?
Um, in a way. Yeah.
You'll love Eureka, we have a brain mapping project
so up your alley, it has a parking space.
Yeah. If things don't work out in Eureka,
please consider coming back to be with us.
Thanks, but I really couldn't leave Eureka...
Not you.
I'm so glad you're back.
Thank you, Agent Nielsen.
Oh, just call me Artie. Artie.
Artie? Wait, Artie?
We used to play Battleship together.
You hated computers.
Still do.
Maybe there is no such thing as evolution.
You and me and MacPherson, we have to get together.
Well, that would be nice.
But there aren't as many of us from the old days as there used to be.
Ah.
Hugo.
Artie.
Good luck.
Forget it.
Hey. Hey.
Thank you for coming. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we got cut off earlier.
Something huge came up.
It's okay.
Listen, there's something I need to tell you.
Me, too.
Look, I'm sorry I've been such a flake lately
and my head's been in a weird place,
but I recently got some clarity...
I don't think it's a good idea for me to see you anymore.
I'm sorry.
Previously on Warehouse 13...
You want juice or are you a milk person?
You know what I'd really like? Oh, I do indeed,
but falling off the wagon may not be the best option.
I haven't seen you around before. You new?
Eight years, actually.
Just a minute. What is this?
Sometimes he forgets we answer to a higher authority.
What higher authority?
The Regents?
These are the Regents? This waitress is a Regent?
Who would you have control the Warehouse?
Kings? Popes? Politicians?
There'd be nothing left of it.
Mr. Valda, you tell me right to my face.
Either fire me or kill me.
Or let me do my job.
A missing walking stick.
A stick that causes earthquakes.
Really?
Say it. It doesn't mean that this is it.
It kills you that I figured out one first!
Just because the robberies involved... Earthquakes.
What some people reported as earthquakes. Ah.
And there happens to be a piece missing
from a nearby exhibit about an earthquake...
The largest one ever felt in England,
a country not known for its earthquakes, by the way.
It doesn't mean that this is the artifact.
Chin up, Watson, old bean.
We can't all be as brilliant as Sherlock Lattimer.
Hey, Pete? Yes?
The case is intact and the lock's not picked.
So, what? Inside job?
Peruse their payroll?
After you.
Ooh. Victory lap!
Will you get over yourself?
What's that, you say?
Grow up.
Ooh! Ooh!
News flash, stop.
Bering to admit she was wrong, stop.
Pigs standing by for maiden flight. Stop!
You do see the "Do Not Touch" signs everywhere.
New favorite job perk?
Officially allowed to ignore velvet ropes.
I'm on this side, on this side, on this side...
Hey, Pete.
The sign for the stick was still there.
Okay?
Well, the museum hasn't reported a theft.
They haven't noticed it's gone.
He puts it back... When he's not using it.
Oh! Myka, look out!
You okay?
Yeah. Okay.
That way? I'm on it.
Secret Service. One of your security guards is getting away with a stolen...
You! Hold it! I don't have time for this.
Mrs. Frederic... There's no time to explain.
This is of the utmost secrecy. You cannot tell Arthur or even Agent Bering.
Okay.
I want you to throw this mission and let the artifact get away.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Mrs. Frederic, what is going on?
That's an order, Mr. Lattimer. I'll contact you later. Go!
Pete!
Pete, where's the guard?
I don't know.
I lost him.
I thought he was out here, but he's gone.
I guess you can spare some time for us now.
Yeah, they're Secret Service.
We're not going to press charges.
I thought fishing you out of custody would be like old times, Lattimer.
But you and your friend are both fully clothed.
Did they catch you too early or too late?
Well, I've matured since then.
I get arrested in my pants all the time now.
I'm guessing you two have met.
Kate Logan, Chicago field office.
The cops called us to check out your story.
And you heard my name and wanted to see me.
You know, I could just vouch for you
and we could leave him at the Early Man exhibit.
Awesome. I like her.
Mmm.
That's a good one.
I didn't know you had transferred to Chicago.
I didn't know you transferred to super secret South Dakota.
Is that a promotion or a punishment?
Well, it depends on the day. So far, today is good.
Anyway, I've got to get back to my case.
Ah, yes. Stolen walking stick.
Def-Con 4.
Well, it's part of my new look.
You know, top hat, monocle.
Big stick. Mr. Peanut!
Very sexy.
So, uh, you showing up here means I should
call you, right?
Call, don't call. Same as always.
Play date over? Not if I can help it.
Thief's name is Lenny Malone.
He has a sheet. Two petty thefts,
one assault, and now he's in the wind.
We were in D.C. Together, we used to...
It's clear
what you used to.
I'm more interested in what happened here last night.
Nothing.
I just lost him.
You two out of the clutches of the Lakefield Police Department?
Yes, thanks to Pete's old girlfriend.
Yeah, I probably don't want to know what that means.
But consider that the frying pan.
Get back here and brace yourselves for the fire.
Hey.
So what's this about a fire?
Agents Bering and Lattimer.
Back from losing another artifact?
Once again, involving local police
and unauthorized members of the Secret Service.
We didn't lose an artifact.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait... And I don't know who you are.
Guys.
This is Benedict Valda.
He's one of the Regents.
Our Regents? The Regents?
No, Pete. The South Dakota College Board of Regents, yes, the Regents.
That's unusual, right? An in-person visit from a Regent?
Was unusual for the first 30 years that I worked here,
but lately, I guess we just can't be trusted to do our jobs.
Mr. Valda could have done all this by courier,
not brought my agents back from the field.
That's quite enough, Agent Nielsen.
I brought these agents back
due to their repeated inability
to protect this organization from unwanted scrutiny.
The Regents have decided to become more hands-on.
Moving forward, you can expect me to be...
All up in our dust traps?
You, in particular, Miss Donovan,
should consider yourself on notice.
Your inclusion in this group at all is a matter of lively debate.
Don't waste any time on me. I'm just tech support.
Claudia... Yes, you are.
Uh-uh!
I got this.
Remember what I said.
I can input that. I'll handle it.
I want you two back in Illinois. Find that stick.
Artie! Artie!
What's going on? Why can't I see that?
Is there something about me on there?
I cannot believe a Regent was just here.
And he's pissed at us!
This is probably your fault.
I never thought I'd be in a rush
to get back to Lakefield, Illinois.
Pete, you coming?
Uh, yeah. I just... I got a thing first.
I'm allowed to have a thing! Okay.
Strange time to have a thing.
Whatever.
So what's with all the cloak and dagger?
Keeping secrets from my team really isn't my thing.
Get in.
Some of the Regents are concerned about a pattern.
Artifacts being used for criminal gain.
Like Malone and the walking stick.
But that's not so unusual.
It is if it's someone on the inside.
We have every reason to believe that there's a breach.
Possibly at a high level.
We need your help in finding out who.
So, if the Regents asked me to throw the case,
why was Valda tearing me a new one?
That visit was arranged some time ago.
Any changes might have alerted our culprit.
Whoa, whoa, okay, wait.
You can't be thinking that the breach is Artie or Myka?
Have you forgotten recent events?
Could you doubt that anyone could be compromised?
Okay, so then, why trust me?
Because keeping secrets from your team really isn't your thing,
which makes you the least likely suspect.
Have I chosen poorly?
No, ma'am.
If our hunch is correct,
Malone's supplier will try to approach him
for his cut of the take.
Go to work as usual, but keep your eye on Malone.
If you need to contact me, you break the window at the end.
This is strictly between you and me, understood?
Good.
Hey, uh,
so are we like friends now?
Right, see you.
What are you hiding from me, Artie?
Schmancy new security measures. I am impressed.
But did we remember all temp copies, mirror drives, and image backups?
Silly wabbit.
Too easy.
Donovan Contingencies?
Cool, I'm the star of a Ludlum novel.
Look, it's encrypted! That's so cute.
So you think the cops already tossed it?
No, this looks like Malone grabbed some clothes and ran.
Power's off.
Uh... Are you trying to,
you know, pump the electricity up to the light or...
No.
Jeez. God, Myka... Well, is there something down there?
No, it's nothing.
I'm going to go check his trash. You keep poking around here.
All right? Yeah, okay.
Valda.
Pete? Pete, where are you?
Is someone there?
Pete? I got him! I got Malone!
Come on!
Wait a minute, wait...
Wait a minute, I Tesla-ed the guy.
He was... He was out cold.
Well, was he meeting someone? Yeah, he was...
I mean, no.
I didn't see anybody else.
You're sure it was Valda?
1,000%.
Did he see you? I don't know.
But now we know it's not Artie or Myka,
so let's bring them in on this.
Listen carefully.
The Regents have kill authority on anyone
deemed a threat to the Warehouse.
Telling the others will only put them in harm's way.
Then let's bring this guy down. Now.
Moving too quickly with someone like Valda
will put a bullet in your head.
What we need is evidence.
Malone and the walking stick. And I need for you to find him first
before the police or Agent Bering.
I'll contact those Regents I know I can trust.
Patience, Mr. Lattimer.
Well, I'm not too good with patience.
Challenge yourself.
Hey. Hey.
Where have you been?
I had a car thing.
Wow, you've been busy.
This is everything from Malone's apartment.
You know, something doesn't add up.
Okay, I'm him, right?
I have
the walking stick, I mean, why do I go back to the apartment?
Did I stash something else that I need?
Is that the walking stick?
No, Pete, this is a snack. Ah.
Myka? Yeah.
Did you check the last number dialed?
No, I didn't. That's a good idea.
Um, the phone jack's over there.
Pines Place Motel.
If he wasn't meeting anyone else in the apartment, then why was he there?
Uh, you got me.
Is there anything? Nope.
Last number dialed was, uh, takeout.
I'm going to go check his trash. You keep poking around here.
I just... I got a thing first. I'm allowed to have a thing.
I lost him.
You want to talk about this?
This is why I said leave it alone.
Then maybe you shouldn't have put it on the computer.
That's like me leaving a cake out with a note on it that says, "Not for Artie."
That was one time. And I...
Don't you have a boyfriend that you could be irritating instead of me?
He dumped me.
Oh. I didn't know. You want me to call him? Artie!
This is a list of ways to kill me.
They're not
all killing you. There's other options here.
Erase her memory? That's comparatively humane.
Drop her in a non-English speaking country?
See, they're just trying to stall for time.
They know you're going to find your way back...
That doesn't make me feel any better.
Don't you think that there's a file like this on all of us?
Don't you know that there's one with my name on it?
And are you okay with that?
Claudia,
You are a valued member of this team and no one is going to erase your memory
or dispose of your body in a vat of acid.
Is that on here, too?
Oh, my God.
Is that... Number 43, on the back.
Artie?
I think Pete's drinking again.
What? No.
What? No, no, no, what?
We're just asking because we're worried about you.
Yeah, bro, we're your friends. Tell me this is some kind of a...
A weird, uncomfortable surprise party.
Pete, you've been acting strange this whole case.
You've been lying, you've been making up excuses to be alone.
Look, your hands are shaking.
For crying out loud! You...
I'm sorry.
You guys, this is sweet, really, but you're wrong. Okay?
You're wrong. In eight years,
I haven't even had a virgin daiquiri.
Then what?
I'm not drinking.
That was quick.
Secrets are a naughty thing, Peter.
You listen up, Valda.
Look behind the tree in front of you.
Valda... You two have been busy little bees.
She'll never see your signal, by the way. Where is she?
She's alive. I have a man watching her
through the scope of a rifle.
I need you to tie up one loose end for me.
Oh, yeah? And what's that?
Mr. Malone, where is he?
No, no, first you call your man off Mrs. Frederic.
I'm afraid not. When I call you again, be ready to deliver Malone.
How do I know you won't kill her anyway?
You're in no position to quibble, Peter.
I could kill your whole team.
No, hey, the others don't know anything!
Okay? You leave them out of this!
That's entirely up to you.
Are we clear? Here's what's clear, pal.
You tell me I have something you want and then you threaten my friends.
So you are going down.
Game on.
Game on!
He's not at the B&B. His cell goes straight to voicemail.
He's taking himself off the grid.
He left this.
Agent Kate Logan.
Pete Lattimer.
Damn it. Okay, uh,
look, tell her I need an address for a Benedict Valda. V-A-L-D-A.
Thanks.
Lakefield.
Pines Place Motel.
Hey, buddy boy. You remember me?
I'm the guy from the museum you tried to kill with the battle axe.
Now how do I find Benedict Valda?
Valda! Who?
The guy you met in the alley.
Or should I hand you over to him like he wants?
I don't know any Valda.
Okay, all right, look, I took the stick from the exhibit,
I admit it! You're working together.
I saw you paying him.
Uh, you're crazy, man.
No, no, okay!
Where is it?
It's under the bed! Right under the bed!
Hey. Hey!
Hey, handsome. What can I get you?
You feeling all right?
Yeah, it's just a long night, that's all.
Thank God, hey.
Coffee?
Maybe you should stick with decaf. That's a good idea.
Two, please.
Coming up.
Okay, first. That message was the least romantic booty call ever.
And what is with this Valda character?
Why? Why, did something happen?
The guy doesn't exist on paper.
But ever since I poked,
my place was trashed, my phone's been bugged, and someone's been tailing me.
When I find that S.O.B. I am going to...
Don't worry, I'm a big girl.
But someone's definitely sending a message.
Either that or you've gone way too far making up an excuse to see me.
No. It isn't me.
You're still hot, but not trash your place just to get a date hot.
It's happened. I'm sure.
Okay, then,
I think it's time you let me in.
What's the division you're working for?
Well, let's just say I'm in containment
of threats. To the President?
To the planet.
Okay, okay, I know, I know, I know it sounds like I'm wearing
a tinfoil hat to keep the aliens from stealing my thoughts,
but Kate, I'm serious.
I just... I can't tell you what I do.
Thanks.
So, Valda. How does he fit in?
He's way up the food chain. And bad, like Keyser Soze bad. I don't think this is decaf.
Okay. How are you supposed to find him?
When he came to visit us,
he had a driver and a limo, so they had to get gas, right?
Maybe he used a credit card or, um, you know,
got themselves on camera.
You're going to check every gas station, restaurant, and rest stop
for 100 miles around?
Where I work, there's only like six.
Still a lot of legwork.
Look, if your partner and everyone you worked with
had their lives threatened, wouldn't you do it?
Yeah.
Thanks for dragging me into your fun world.
I thought you were happy to see me.
I kind of liked you better when you were
helpless, pants-less Pete.
Well, the pants are imminently removable.
What?
I honestly had no idea this was where my day was headed.
Everyone's hands where I can see them!
Logan, get out of here.
What?
Myka, what the hell are you doing? What am I doing?
You've gone AWOL. You've stolen an artifact
and you won't tell anyone what's going on.
What am I supposed to think?
Mrs. Frederic can explain it.
Mrs. Frederic is missing.
Valda is calling the shots and he thinks you had something to do with it.
Myka, Valda is the guy I'm after.
If Mrs. Frederic is missing,
then he either has her or she is dead.
Look, all I know is I have my orders.
Don't make me do this the hard way, Pete.
Come on!
Pete, do not get in that car!
Pete, please. Hands on the wheel.
Hey, Myka, Myka, put the gun away and we'll talk, okay?
You have no idea what Valda is capable of!
Pete, just come with me and we'll sort this out, okay?
Lattimer, get in the car!
Logan, please, I'm just trying to keep you alive, okay?
Take the shot. Take the shot.
No!
Oh, my God, Kate!
Pete!
Wait, excuse me, ma'am, ma'am...
It's all right.
Kate, Pete's in trouble.
Pete's stuck in some sort of paranoid delusion.
The way that he ran, the note.
He thinks that someone is out to get him.
We don't have any of the details yet,
but we think that he was affected by, um,
something during a mission.
Right, your secret missions. Why come to me?
Well, one, he called you, so whatever's going on in his head,
you must be a part of it. And...
Two, well,
he's back on your turf.
We pulled this off a Chicago city surveillance cam.
Yeah... What is he doing?
I think he thinks that he's kissing you.
Uh-huh. But it could be you, though.
It's highly doubtful. My money's on you.
Um...
He left you a message? Yeah, it was weird.
Here.
So why is he fixated on Valda?
I think his mind is scrambling to gather details from his life.
It's the way you do when you're dreaming.
He's constructing some kind of fantasy with Valda and Malone, the walking stick.
Well, could this walking stick have caused it?
Didn't affect Malone. No, I think whatever this is, it started in that museum...
Did Pete touch anything while you were there?
Artie, it's Pete. It would be easier to list the things that he didn't touch.
Okay, show me.
Okay, he played with, um, some of these billiard balls.
Myka, Myka, what else, what else?
Then he played with these glasses
and this pipe.
Why did you let him touch all those things?
Well, what am I, his kindergarten teacher?
Plus, we didn't know there'd be two artifacts in the same place.
Myka, it's a museum!
It is filled with things from historical events.
Anything there could be an artifact.
You cannot let him touch anything.
Artie, it's Pete, okay? It's a win when he doesn't lick anything.
Yes, what else? All right, fine.
All right, he put this thing
in his ear.
It's a good way to get an infection if you ask me, but...
Then he, oh, he clicked this telegraph.
Then... Oh, right. Then he...
Wait, wait, wait. What?
Telegraph. Go back, go back. Show me the telegraph.
Here you go. It's military, 1860s, Telegraph Island, Oman.
Telegraph Island... Oman... Wait, wait, wait a minute.
That's familiar, hang on.
Myka, wait, wait one second. All right, Telegraph Island.
A remote outpost between England and India in the mid-1800s.
Reported that every...
Every soldier posted there went violently insane.
Well, that... It sounds artifacty, right?
You think?
And, no, wait.
It hasn't affected anyone since.
Well, is this it or not?
Only one way to find out.
Pete, it's Myka. Just tell me that you can hear me.
Yeah, yeah I can hear you.
I just don't know what to say to you.
I keep telling myself it wasn't our fault.
I couldn't say anything to you because I was trying to protect you.
I'm here, Pete. I'm safe.
Got Katie killed.
What? No, no, Pete. Kate's, Kate's alive. Okay?
I just left her.
Pete, you've been affected by an artifact.
A telegraph. I think you're hallucinating.
Valda's filled your head with lies.
But I'm about to fix all that.
So you and Leena, and Artie, Claudia,
you guys will all be safe.
Pete, no, okay? Don't do whatever it is you're about to do. Okay?
Um...
You might feel something strange.
Anything?
I've been listening, Peter.
Valda? Pete, did you hear what I just said?
Where's Myka?
Now you've compromised the others.
Do you realize what I'll have to do?
Valda, I'll trade you Malone for Mrs. Frederic.
I don't know how to reach you.
You meet me at the Kemper recycling yard.
Hey, boss.
There's no effect. He's still inside of whatever's going on.
At least now we know where he's going.
And I think I have just the thing to restore Pete's neural rhythm.
Agent Lattimer! I understand you want to speak with me!
What in God's name? Shut up.
I've heard enough of your voice to last a lifetime.
I don't know what this is all about, Agent Lattimer.
But you have my attention. Right?
You recognize this?
It appears to be the artifact that you were after, walking stick.
It appears to be the...
the artifact you're after. Shut up!
We're all alone out here, Valda!
Quit playing the game.
I got the stick, I got Malone and I got you.
Now, what did you do with Mrs. Frederic?
Mrs. Frederic? Look,
I want to help you, but none of this could be possible...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Myka tried that line on me.
She was a good little soldier.
She fed me your garbage about a telegraph that's making me see things.
Telegraph.
Time is running out, Benedict.
Which telegraph?
What do you remember? Is there anything unusual about it?
Think!
Will you stop trying to confuse me!
I'm not confusing you.
You see clearly. Try to remember.
I said shut up!
Pete?
Agent Bering!
Be careful. Myka!
Look, this is going to sound kind of freaky,
but are you guys really here? Because...
Valda's been messing with my head and I don't know what's real anymore.
Yeah, we're really here, okay?
Pete? And we're going to help you get out of this.
They're here, Peter.
Almost ready.
You really think I'd come here without backup?
Myka, you and Artie got to get out of here.
He's got... He's got snipers all over the place!
Die!
Where is Mrs. Frederic?
Artie? Agent Nielsen!
I am aware of the urgency!
I've got something that will reset his neural rhythm.
The original studio master of Oye Como Va.
Music to die by, eh, Peter?
You stop it! You stop! Stop!
Okay, listen to me, Pete, I really need you to not do that again, okay?
The irony is Myka's going to kill you for me.
She has to protect the Regent and then I'll kill them before your body's even cold.
This music is just not getting through.
He's still listening to that telegraph.
Myka, he wants to kill us all.
You and Artie, just get out of here.
Agent Nielsen! Yeah, I'm working on it.
Back off. You hear me?
You back off or I'll kill him!
I've got to find something that could...
I've got it.
Okay, Pete, I'm going to come over there
and you're going to give me your gun, okay?
Here it comes, Peter.
Pete?
Pete!
I hope the oral and visual combination shocked him back to reality
and didn't turn him into, uh...
Ow! My eye's already open, Artie. Jeez.
Hey. Are you okay?
I have no freaking idea.
Well improvised, Agent Nielsen.
Yes, there is a madness to the method.
Agent Nielsen.
Yes?
Oh, yeah, of course.
What happened?
It's a long story.
Oh, God.
Are you here to kill me?
If I was, you'd already be dead and I'd be halfway to dinner.
Yeah, you know it's just because I shot at a Regent...
Mr. Valda, though unhappy, understands the circumstances.
Yeah, well,
I'm not sure I understand the circumstances.
The telegraph seems to have tapped into some subliminal anxiety.
Not surprising, given what you've all been through of late.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I just wanted to make sure you were real.
Take some time off, Agent Lattimer.
Yes, ma'am. I'm just gonna finish up these reports
and you know what's funny? We...
How does she do that?
I'll be at the Warehouse. Oh, Artie,
I understand the need for that contingency file,
so if you ever have to take me out...
This is how you want to die?
Yeah.
Well,
I do know how to reach David Bowie.
Yes! You rock!
Oh, Pete, there's an envelope on the table for you.
Kate Logan. Ooh.
Are you going to call her?
Nah, I don't think so.
Well, why not? I mean you must have some feelings for her.
She was, after all, in your fantasy.
Ah, well, thank you, Dr. Freud.
Open it! Open it.
"Hope you're better.
"Myka forgot this. What?
"Thought you'd want it."
Oh, God. What?
Just don't play that. I mean, you're not interested in her anyways. Right?
So you can't...
What? What? What? I'm not. Pete, just, you're gonna...
Unless she is.
Oh, God. You're going to be embarrassed.
Pete, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so...
Hey, hey, hey, even by myself I still got moves.
Oh! Oh!
Yes, yes, yes!
You know they called me Gene Simmons in high school.
Don't stop!
You're insane.
Previously on Warehouse 13...
Come on, old friend.
So what? You think our Jimmy took a play date?
If there's a history log in here, we could look up... There.
Pete, Artie says that H.G. Wells is actually...
A woman. Could you please be careful with that?
I know all about it.
You what?
I was apprenticed at Warehouse 12.
Cavorite was an antigravity metal that Wells wrote about
but Cavorite doesn't exist.
James! James!
I'm sorry, Arthur.
Will you stop trying to confuse me!
Pete, you've been affected by an artifact.
Myka, you and Artie got to get out of here.
He's got snipers all over the place.
The telegraph seems to have tapped into some subliminal anxiety.
Take some time off, Agent Lattimer.
Hmm.
I guess I'm just lucky that the only vet in Univille makes house-calls.
I love ferrets. Besides, this is a farming community
and if I didn't make house calls,
my office would look like a traveling circus.
Myka! Guess how many croissants I shoved into my mouth at once?
One day you'll have to tell me how you got partnered up with that one.
Well, the croissant thing is actually kind of impressive when you see it.
Yeah, at least it keeps him from talking.
Oh, that's right, you prefer your males to bark and hump your leg.
I'm sure it's in your repertoire.
Okay. Okay.
Thank you. We have to get back to work,
but thank you so much for coming.
Myka, for you, any time.
Okay.
What is with you two? She started it.
Good, good, you're here. Follow me.
We got a ping.
Awesome. Time to get back out there and kick some artifact butt.
Mmm, not you.
No, until we're sure that there's no residual effect from your last encounter,
you are grounded.
Myka, you're going to Tamalpais University in Northern California.
Artie, this is about a wrestling team.
No, no, no, no, no...
Low IQ...
All right, all right, all right. Yes, yes, it's about a wrestling team.
This wrestling team, they've lost every match for the last seven years
and overnight they've become unstoppable.
Uh-uh. This is one of ours.
I know you wrestled in college.
What can I say? Irony is my specialty. Grounded!
This team was tested for steroids, right?
One of the kids on the team died.
Three weeks ago, in a fire, alone, camping.
If an artifact is helping them,
it could also be killing them.
Okay. I'm on it.
Yeah, Claudia, take this,
because you're going with Myka to California as a backup.
For reals?
My first official assignment as an agent? Shut up!
As an apprentice.
While you're on campus, enroll
and get a degree, will you?
Oh, you never stop with that!
Should I have worn something more business suity?
You know, so people take me seriously as an agent?
You're not an agent. You're an apprentice.
Right. Apprentice. Taking notes. Jeans are fine.
Well, it looks like they won again.
You think the artifact's in here?
Anything's possible, but artifacts don't talk.
People talk.
Right. Interviews with people. Indeed.
I'm ready to begin my apprentice education.
Always happy to answer questions on how much we're winning,
but I'm not sure what exactly you're investigating.
Whoa, should an apprentice really be in here?
We just have some routine questions.
Yeah.
Garry!
Garry! Come talk to these ladies.
Sure, Coach! What's up?
Hi, Garry, is it?
So why do you think your team started winning?
What changed?
Coach Tappon finally got our asses in gear!
He got us to want it, again.
If you want it bad enough, you're going to crush it.
And now, we're crushing it!
But seven straight seasons without a win and now all of a sudden...
Claudia, do you want to see what's going on out in the hallway?
Okay. Thanks. Bye.
Hey, aren't you the guy who just won?
I feel weird. My muscles are hurting bad.
I think I need...
Myka! Myka!
One death on a team is bad enough.
Two is unthinkable.
But I know Philip would want us to go on.
How'd it go with the police?
He just caught on fire, Myka.
I should have done something.
There wasn't anything to do.
You would have done something.
You would have stayed calm, at least.
I literally freaked out.
So the police are calling it an accident?
Of undetermined cause.
But I hacked the coroner's report on both deaths.
Check it out. Teddy Benson, the wrestler who died in the campsite fire,
burn patterns show that the fire started inside his sleeping bag.
Okay, so two deaths by spontaneous combustion on the same wrestling team.
Yeah. I call shenanigans.
Mmm-hmm. And unless a sweaty gym sock is the artifact
then there's nothing that...
Okay, there's that.
Oh, yeah. I'm going to score that a 9.8.
All right, I am going to go talk to the coach about that medal
and you follow up with the team.
Follow up? By myself?
Yeah. Talk to them. You know, investigate.
Sure.
Yeah, I'll just follow up.
Ah, mommy!
Pete!
Are those Timothy Leary's glasses?
Take them off right now. It's not a toy.
I'm bored, okay?
They make things so much less boring.
Did you hear what I said? Take them off right now.
Right now.
Wouldn't you rather have a nice little fish?
Okay, stop it. Give me the glasses.
Don't.
Get up. You're in my chair.
Child.
Man, desk duty is lame.
Ow.
Oh, it's nothing personal, senor Sensitive-o.
No. Ow.
What? What? What? What is it?
It's nothing. It's no big deal.
It's just probably my appendix growing back.
Your who with the what now?
Yeah, it's a...
It grows back every year.
It's a side effect of spending too much time in the Warehouse.
Huh!
Nothing to worry about it. It's all good.
Yeah, I need a visit from the doctor.
Yeah.
What?
Are you serious? Touching a gold medal caused them to burn up?
You got both paddles in the water?
You were a champion, now you're a coach.
I know what it's like to do good work and no one notices.
A winning team puts you back on top.
You think I'm involved in their deaths?
You're out of our mind.
If I'm crazy, show me the medal.
I'm not showing you anything.
Coach Tappon, we'd love for you to join us whenever you're free.
Great, Jeff, I'm sorry. Just give me a sec.
Be right with you.
Great. Now I'm pissing off the team's benefactors
so you can accuse me of attacking my guys.
I am just trying to protect more...
If you scare my guys, I'll have you thrown off this campus.
So Garry, is it?
Yeah. Um...
Can I help you?
So, Coach Tappon,
does he ever seem maybe too intent on winning?
Too intent on winning?
I don't even know what that means.
I mean, does he put you under a lot of, you know, pressure?
Pressure?
Have you ever tried getting out of a half nelson
while a 200 pound monster is on top of you?
Okay, now when you say monster,
I'm going to assume you mean a really big guy,
not an actual monster because in my line of work...
What I mean is pressure is good.
It makes you win.
Okay. Yes. But does the coach care about your safety or just winning?
Would he risk a wrestler's life to, I don't know, place in a match or...
Hey, this is my coach we're talking about.
I'm not going to let you rip on him.
Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't deign to rip.
I'm just observing, analyzing the facts,
supposing a possible...
Interrogating the... Not that you would...
You okay?
You seem kind of new at this.
Are you like that other lady's assistant or something?
Or something.
If I need anything I'll circle back.
Thanks so much for coming, Doctor.
Mmm.
How's that? Does that hurt? It's fine.
Well... How about there?
No.
So, our own Warehouse doctor, huh?
Yes, Pete, it's in the manual,
chapter 112, section F, paragraph three.
Yeah. I haven't quite gotten to chapter 112 yet.
Yeah, why don't you go downstairs and read it right now?
Well, I was hoping you'd read it to me, papa.
Vanessa, I'm really sorry about him.
I'm sorry you have to come all the way to South Dakota just for this.
Oh, well, your appendix is always the highlight of my year, Artie.
Wow, what's the rest of your year like?
Have you been working on your meridians?
My...
The acupuncture points I ask you to tap on like this.
It tickles. I can't do that. I know.
Sit up. Okay.
Yes, I have actually, I've worked on some of the...
Oh, you're lying to me. Yes, I am.
If you're going to blow hot air,
would you mind blowing into this for me, please?
Yeah, well, you're not infected.
Well, that's good, right? Yeah, it's good.
Given your proclivity to appendicitis,
I really still think we should remove it again.
Okay. Just prophylactically.
"Prophylactically."
Shut up.
I place myself in your hands.
Okay. Let me go put on some scrubs
and prepare the procedure room.
And I'll let you know when I'm ready for you, okay?
Okay. Awesome.
Maybe I'm wrong but are Vanessa and Artie sitting in a tree?
Oh, don't be absurd.
We're two adults who just have
a lot of professional respect for each other and shut up.
K-l-S-S-l-N-G. I knew it!
News flash, Artie is human.
Walk away. You like her.
Stop it. You want to hug her and kiss her.
All right, I'm walking away.
All right!
Don't touch me there.
Good, you've got the purple goo.
Coach Tappon's office is empty.
Artie said there's no record of Tappon's medal on file
but we should still goo it just in case.
It was hard to hear. Pete kept singing
something about Artie in a baby carriage.
Good. Let's go get this medal.
You think he's doing this on purpose?
No, but I think he's hiding something.
How can you tell, like, just from one interview? I mean, is that instinct?
Instinct is just a fancy way of saying,
"I've done this 10,000 times."
You don't think maybe this guy's different?
Human beings are predictable.
People rarely surprise you.
Turn around and put your hands in the air.
Slowly.
H.G. Wells.
Agent Bering.
It seems we're further destined to meet at gunpoint.
Ladies, I know this is a bit awkward,
but maybe we can...
Or we could just do this.
You are going back to the Bronze Sector.
What? What did I do?
You're a killer. And a thief.
Brain requires oxygen to speak.
Myka.
I'm not a killer.
Oh, has the definition of killer changed a bunch since the 1890s?
Because, H.G., you killed a guy.
James MacPherson?
He would have quite happily killed all of you.
Why are you here?
Did you just happen to show up?
I'm hunting for the same artifact as you.
That's what we're looking for.
That's rather my point.
Take it.
If you didn't believe me just a little,
you'd have shot me by now.
The coach!
He can't find us in here.
He can't find you in here. He hasn't met me yet.
What? No. No. No!
Is your name Coach Tappon? Yeah.
Oh, thank God I've found you.
She's good.
Yeah, sure. In an obvious kind of way.
Worked on Pete in London.
Well, that's not exactly scaling Mount Everest, is it?
Come on, let's call Artie.
An appendectomy? Are you...
Yeah, forget it. I'm fine.
Just tell me exactly what's going on.
Room's all set. Are you?
Uh, as ever.
Just a sec because I'm on the...
Okay.
Look... You know what?
I got it. Just take care of yourself.
Okay. Thanks.
My turn. Oh.
Don't start without me.
What?
Nothing.
I was just wondering what this was doing on your shelf?
I'm wondering what you're doing messing around with my things.
That's the Barnum Top. Ba-bam!
Oh, that's right, sir.
I've been doing a little read-a-roonie of the Artifact Manifests.
Fascinating stuff. Turns out
P.T. Barnum used this to, and I quote,
"Increase the shock factor in his side shows
"by using it to grow human limbs
"and in some cases internal organs."
You, sir, have been growing back your appendix
in an attempt to get Vanessa to visit the Warehouse.
That's so romantic.
Are you quite finished?
If only...
So, no, then.
...there were some way for you to interact with Vanessa
that did not involve invasive surgery.
Perhaps some kind of, I don't know, social ritual,
one involving the sharing of food
or the enjoying of filmed entertainment
with, maybe, some duds that have been milked.
I mean a date.
I know what you mean.
Artie, you like her. She, hey, hey, hey, likes you.
Ask the woman out.
Artie.
I'm sorry. I'm going to have to postpone the surgery.
A Regent has tungsten poisoning of all things.
And I have to leave for Budapest immediately.
Ooh, that sounds serious, there.
You should go.
All right.
I got to make my flight arrangements.
Get out of my sight. Don't come near me or I'll kill you.
Really? Nothing.
Nope.
The medal is not the artifact.
Which also means that H.G. Had nothing to lose by handing it over.
Unless she didn't know either.
Oh, she knew.
I don't know what her game is but I don't trust her.
Well, I swiped Tappon's records from the personnel office.
Last month, he moved to Bayside Heights.
Very shmancy and Richie Rich.
Where does a college wrestling coach
get the money to buy a house like that?
Maybe H.G.'s paying him off.
Where would she get the money?
Well, you accrue a lot of interest in 100 years.
I'm going to go snoop around for a connection.
You finish interviewing the wrestling team.
Um, no.
Maybe I should stick to the computer stuff.
I'm really not good at the interviews,
especially with, you know, people.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay. So why do you say that?
Well, I tried to be like you, you know,
all professional and adult. And that...
Is really,
really dumb.
Is that your version of a pep talk?
No.
We already have one me.
We don't need another me, okay?
I want you to go in there and be more like you.
What would that get us?
Claudia, you're the same age as these guys.
You're a peer. You can connect with them.
Yeah, not so much.
Okay. Okay, go back to the Warehouse, then.
Not everyone's cut out for field work.
You know, stay behind a computer forever.
Forever is kind of a long time.
I don't have time to hold your hand through this, Claud.
If you are not up for this...
I didn't say that.
Okay, well, let me know how it goes.
I will. Good, then.
Good.
I know what you did there.
I know. It's because you're smart.
Go.
Gare-bear. Afternoon. Let's talk.
Hey, irritating question girl, we kind of already talked.
No, you already avoided telling me anything. Now we talk.
By the way, Photoshop.
Anyway, check this. Philip and Teddy's deaths were not accidental.
My intel says coach is dirty.
Maybe even got some payola. Thoughts?
Stratego! What do you know?
Nothing.
It's just a feeling.
Spill it, Hulk-ling. Don't make me angry.
Coach Tappon saved us, okay?
I mean, in a town like this, you either work at the bottling plant or you get out.
And now even the plant's about to close down.
Because of Coach, now I have options and maybe a scholarship.
I have people who did that for me too, gave me options.
Well, then you know I can't turn on him.
Yeah, but, dude,
if something bad is happening to your friends,
even by accident, don't you owe them, too?
He started acting weird after Teddy died,
closed door meetings, phone calls in the middle of practice.
He was acting... Guilty?
No.
Scared.
No, it's too dangerous. Listen to me, they think I'm responsible.
What if I am?
No. No. I'm sorry, but I'm ending this now.
Okay, here's what you're going to do.
Set something up for when she gets back. Dinner, a movie...
I can't do that now.
Take her for a walk, show her the Dark Vault,
it doesn't matter, okay?
Just make a plan.
I don't know. Okay.
Be one of those agents that's obsessed with the Warehouse.
That always works out so well.
All right.
Well, you know you're not infected
so you should be all right until I get back, Artie.
You okay with this?
Um...
Have a nice flight.
Thanks.
Jeez, Artie, it's not like she hasn't already seen you naked.
Thank you very much for that.
This was no accident.
It means someone else out there knows about the artifact.
Look who's here.
Keep an eye on things, Claud.
Hey!
Our lead suspect was killed and look who shows up.
Oh, do stop it.
What motive could I possibly have for killing those boys
and their wrestling coach?
That's an excellent question.
Perhaps we should ask the Regents.
They did have you bronzed once.
You know as well as I, women are held to a different standard.
Something, by the way, I thought would have changed by now.
Don't you dare play that card with me.
Why not?
Your partner died and people whispered.
If you'd been a man... Nice.
That's very clever. You did your research.
What did you steal from the Escher Vault?
That's what I thought.
I took back what was mine.
Oh, and what is that? That more Cavorite?
What are you going to do, yank me up into the sky?
The only power it has is over me.
It's my daughter.
It was my Christina.
Everything that ever mattered in my life is gone now,
except the Warehouse.
Look, I know what it's like to lose someone.
I want to come back and work there again.
You what?
That's why I'm doing all of this.
To prove I am still a good agent.
Look, I'm sorry about your little girl.
I really am.
But it's not possible...
Please. You can't...
Please.
Every day in this world is a reminder of what I've lost.
My child, my friends, my life. I have no tether here.
The Warehouse is the only home I have now.
Oh! Wow.
I do miss the horse and buggy days.
Progress is, in many ways, overrated.
Oh!
A grappling hook?
I designed it myself.
What?
Nothing. It's just a little old-fashioned.
Well, it wasn't when I invented it.
It seems to have saved your life.
And yet you're still wondering
if I set this whole thing up just to prove my innocence.
Oh, the thought did cross my mind
somewhere between, "Holy crap, I'm going to die,"
and "Oh, I'm flying."
And what have you concluded?
The jury's still out.
I suppose if we work together, it may be faster.
And you could keep an eye on me.
Yes. That thought crossed my mind, too.
You coming?
Hey, look what I found.
Tag says it reduces shyness, so I...
Artie?
Pain. Lots. Not good. Never hurt like this before.
That's because the doc always took it out.
Yeah. Must still be growing.
Might keep growing until it bursts.
This is called breaking and entering these days.
It always was.
Things haven't changed much.
Why don't you take the desk?
I'll go through the closet.
Aye-aye.
So you built that gun, huh?
You are coveting my grappler.
Old-fashioned, indeed.
Admiring, maybe. Not coveting.
My tech level skill could come in very handy when I come back to work.
Why were you bronzed?
The scales that Lady Justice holds
are more easily tipped than one knows.
The world is never as you think it should be.
Well, it's not my decision anyway.
You know, I don't even think it's Artie's.
Of course. No pressure.
Just making conversation.
Pointed conversation, but nevertheless.
Here, let me.
Oh.
H.G., come here. Look at these pictures.
These are all of Philip, only he's...
Quite a bit more of a roly-poley.
Look at the dates on these files.
He did this in three weeks.
Something's turning these boys into perfect specimens.
And then killing them.
Here we go. To this chair.
Help! Little help here.
At some point you people will have to realize that veterinarian
means animal doctor. Not humans.
I don't want to be here either, so... Oh!
Look, Doc Owens is out of town.
His appendix is about to burst
so it's either the vet or the barber.
An appendectomy.
You do realize that most of the surgeries I perform are spaying and neutering?
Okay. The barber. The barber.
Look, Artie, please sit down.
Okay. I mean, come on. Help the guy out.
Hey, I can make him look like a giant walrus if that makes it any easier.
Artie, I will help you, if only to take you out of his care.
Good idea. Come on. Let's go to the exam room.
Oh!
Hey, croissant boy, I need a prep nurse. Get in here.
Okay. But I'm not shaving anything.
More wrestlers are getting sick.
Pretty soon the whole team's going to end up extra crispy.
That's strange.
Why would they put a padlock on a fridge?
"Boiling Point energy drink."
Myka, every time I saw Garry,
he was chugging one of these drinks.
It's the drink.
Claudia, you have to get to Garry and warn him.
On it. The artifact is in the drink.
So, Dr. Mahoney, you created the Boiling Point formula?
Yes. And there's nothing harmful in it.
It's vitamins, caffeine, amino acids.
It's like any other drink on the market
except that ours is specially formulated to accelerate muscle growth.
It helps people.
You're testing it on the wrestling team at Tamalpais.
There are laws against that.
Nonsense. It was a focus group.
The kids were getting faster, stronger...
And combustible.
Boiling Point financially supports the team
and you paid Coach Tappon, to get them to drink it.
It wasn't my idea.
It was mine.
Jeff Russell. Welcome, ladies.
Gerald, they're looking for you in the lab.
Great.
On campus you pulled Coach Tappon into a meeting.
Boiling Point is your company.
Founder and CEO, Miss...
Agent Bering. Secret Service.
And you are?
Agent Wells,
who is also an agent under me. Does whatever I say.
Lots of companies support school teams
and we owe a lot to this town. For me, it was personal.
You were on the wrestling team?
Coach Tappon helped me focus my life.
I wanted to give something back. So what?
So people died. Coach Tappon died.
And I'm sad about that.
But I'm still waiting to hear your proof that my drink was responsible.
Or you could come with me
and I can prove to you that it's completely harmless.
Might be a trap.
Usually is.
Here's my impression of Pete at the sight of blood.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
I never sounded like...
Okay, that's fairly accurate.
It's because I was worried about him.
Oh, right, right. It's sweet.
A little girly, but sweet.
Girly.
Artie, we thought you would recuperate better here.
But you got to promise that you're going to try to get some rest.
Great. Artie loves resting.
Oh, and he will, because I'm putting you in charge.
If he's not up on his feet in a couple of days, I'm coming after you.
You're in charge.
That's right, old boy.
I'll go get you some soup.
Okay.
You should ask her out.
Me? Ask her out?
Yeah. Right.
Or be one of those agents obsessed with the Warehouse.
That always works out so well. You weren't talking to me.
Oh, no? No.
Oh, who was I talking to?
Let's just see. When I died in the tunnel,
didn't you think for just an instant,
"Poor Artie, he gave his life to this place and he died alone?"
And since then, I see what's been happening to you.
What happening? No happening.
Yeah. I think you're worried that you caught a glimpse into your own future.
Oh, those painkillers are making you loopy, old boy.
I'm not on any painkillers.
And then, your stuff didn't come from home so you feel uprooted.
And last week, you imagined reconnecting to an old girlfriend.
In my defense, I do have a lot of those dreams.
Yeah.
You don't have to miss out on having a real life,
like I did.
I'd be honored to have a life like yours.
And I'd be honored if you tried for a little more.
Dude, you look like Bantha poodoo.
Well, as you can see I feel fantastic.
Spread the word to your teammates,
stop drinking those dumb energy drinks.
And I need your help.
Why? What's wrong with...
No, just trust me. The bottling plant,
you said it was closing down. Why?
I don't know. It's some kind of deal to sell it off or something.
Talk to me more about that.
I found some tea.
Why don't you people have soup?
I mean, everybody has soup.
We're weird.
Surgery was fun, huh?
You got some moves with that knife.
Want to get dinner? Or coffee?
Pastries? The hardware store has a candy aisle.
We're not going out.
We can stay inside.
I heard the hardware store delivers candy.
Look, my ex, it turns out he's a giant tool box
and I moved to a place where I couldn't possibly meet any cute men so...
Uh-huh. You think I'm cute.
Pete, we're not going out.
Yeah, but you think I'm cute.
As you can see there's nothing dangerous in the drink.
Well, do you collect test samples from every batch?
For safety purposes. It's standard practice. Why?
That ladle. Is that what your people use to collect the samples?
I suppose.
Myka, do you know Godfrid's Spoon?
No.
We looked for it at Warehouse 12.
Godfrid Haraldsson, a Viking prince.
Supposedly forged from the armor of fallen warriors.
His men would drink from it before a battle.
It gave them strength.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Russell, where did you get this ladle?
I don't know. It's always been here.
Myka! Yeah.
This plant's closing.
Production moves to Naperville, Illinois, in three weeks.
What's in Naperville, Illinois?
OmniCo headquarters. They're buying Boiling Point.
Beaucoup bucks for the founder.
That gives you motive to keep the deaths quiet
until the deal goes through and it's not your problem anymore.
This belongs to me.
Gerald, what are you doing?
You have no right to come in here.
That ladle touches every batch of Boiling Point.
Uh-oh.
You don't have to answer their questions, Jeff.
Mr. Russell, does Dr. Mahoney have stake
in your company's sale to OmniCo?
Gerald's been with Boiling Point since the beginning.
Jeff.
He must have a fortune in stock options by now.
Jeff, shut up.
Gerald, for God's sakes, give them the ladle.
No! No! No! Hey! Hey!
Claudia!
Grab Mahoney.
Gerald! What have you done?
He's about to tell us right now.
If OmniCo finds out the drink is flawed,
the sale doesn't go through.
What's going to happen to her?
The more you take in, the quicker it seems to take effect.
And it's seeping directly into her pores.
I'm afraid she's not going to last very long.
I'm sorry. None of this should have happened.
The deal should have gone through weeks ago.
Then everything just got out of hand.
You knew. You knew what we were putting out there could...
You killed Coach Tappon.
Is it warm in here? Or am I wearing 38 Snuggies?
Most of them died because they drank too much.
It was never safe.
You just thought you could get away before anyone noticed.
I didn't know how it worked.
How long does she have?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
Based on how quickly she's reacting, I'd guess an hour, maybe two.
We have to act quickly.
I'm not letting anyone else get hurt by this. What do we do?
Amino acids.
The amino acids may have made contact with the metal
and amped up the powers of the original ladle.
I did a lot of research on the subject of amino acids for Doctor Moreau.
Let me have a look. Perhaps I can cobble together an antidote.
But that was 115 years ago.
And I doubt amino acids have changed a great deal since then.
Hey!
You're going to take Agent Wells to your lab
and you're going to assist her now.
I didn't want any of this.
Then this is your lucky day, Gerald,
because we're giving you a chance to get it all sorted.
Come on.
Okay, I need something that slows down the burning process.
I'll put something together.
Okay.
Any change?
No, she's burning up. I'm fighting a losing battle.
She doesn't have much time.
I hope you have something.
I hope so, too.
Claudia, I'm afraid this won't taste very good.
I know one mission won't change your mind.
I'm not expecting miracles overnight.
Just keep an open mind.
Hey, you.
Hey.
How do you feel?
Did I combust?
No.
If that guy made me combust, I'm going to be pissed.
Oh, thank God. Here, let's just sit you up.
Oh, that's easy for you to say.
Okay?
You should really thank H.G. She...
You were being wheeled out...
I don't care if I'm having a brain transplant.
You cross paths with H.G. Wells,
you yank me out of anesthesia and you fill me in.
Is that understood?
I'm really glad she showed up. She saved my life.
Mine, too.
Well, MacPherson saved my life countless times.
It didn't change who he was.
Is that understood?
Yes, sir. Crystal clear.
Ah!
Artie, are you...
Good work on the ladle.
Yeah.
I think I'm going to go to bed.
Apparently falling into a vat of bubbling poison kind of takes it out of you.
Claudia, wait, I have something for you.
College admissions for South Dakota University.
There are some online courses in there, too.
So, why the parental shove?
Well, you need a college degree to apply for the Secret Service.
Right. Right.
Okay.
Thanks for being so hard on me out there.
Turns out you can take it.
So I'm going to go back to the Warehouse, do you want to come?
No, no, no. I got a date with Kelly possibly.
Yeah.
Oh. I thought she turned you down.
Oh, no, no. She did. She did.
I just figured, you know,
sometimes people can surprise you.
Yeah, I guess sometimes they do.
You should be resting.
This is resting for me.
Okay. I rush all the way back to remove an appendix
for my favorite patient but apparently he did start without me.
Mmm. Yeah.
Take a long time to recover without you, too.
Not if you work your meridians.
I'll tap all the meridians. Even the ticklish ones.
You can have the next one. I promise.
Oh, thank you. I'm honored.
Well, until next year, then.
Vanessa.
I've been thinking that, you know, sometimes,
I can be kind of obnoxious in a really fun and entertaining way
and since it's already come up,
you did mention that I was cute.
Although, now that I think about it,
bunny rabbits and kittens are cute,
so maybe it wasn't the compliment that I thought it was.
Look, I'm just heading into town.
Do you want to come with me for a little walk?
Or a sit?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Good.
But I'll drive.
Yeah, you better.
But here's the thing,
I like you
when you're not being really unnecessarily mean to me.
And I need to eat, you know,
and I figured, oh, your species
probably occasionally eats, too.
So maybe the two of us could sit down
at the same table together and both eat.
Fine.
Eating at the same table.
But nothing more and don't get any ideas.
I almost never do.
Chinese place on Main and we're going Dutch.
Couldn't we go to the Dutch place on Fifth and go Chinese?
Come on, slappy, before I change my mind.
Hey, so when you said I was cute,
did you mean like kitten and bunny rabbits cute?
Previously on Warehouse 13.
Claudia Donovan, you're the breach.
Knock, knock.
You're going with Myka as a backup.
My first official assignment as an agent? Shut up!
As an apprentice.
I'm ready to begin my apprentice education.
You want juice or are you a milk person?
You know what I'd really like?
Oh, I do indeed, but falling off the wagon
may not be the best option at this point.
No, no, what?
We're just asking because we're worried about you.
I'm not drinking.
How do we not end up with our brains scrambled
or blown up or whatever new way to die there could be?
Well, I mean, look at the bright side,
I'm usually within 10 feet of you,
so whatever terrible thing happens to you
will probably happen to me, too.
Comforting.
What is this guy, a jewel thief or a marathoner?
If the artifact let the thief
walk into a jewelry store and vanish,
then why isn't he vanishing now?
Well, maybe he can't activate it on the run?
Or maybe it doesn't do what Artie thinks it does.
That's Kelly. I told her I'd call to discuss the weekend and I totally forgot.
Whoa!
Hello. Ah!
Careful! Just don't damage the one thing that Kelly's looking forward to.
Nah, Little Pete's made of steel.
You go right, I'll go left.
Leena, this one is ready to be shelved.
That tin of sardines?
Yes. It was part of the Shackleton expedition.
They were trapped on the ice, you know, for two years.
And they still had the good sense not to open that.
Had the sardines gone bad?
Very bad.
Artie, I just found an anomaly.
Survey says that insurance V. P. S in Hartford
are donating big bucks to charity and it doesn't compute.
It's not an anomaly. It's a tax write-off.
Yeah, but these guys gave away 50% of their bank accounts.
I mean, the most they donated before was 1%,
but that's a difference of 49...
I can subtract one from 50.
That's why you're the boss. Hartford.
Artie, Artie, that could be a Robin Hood artifact.
Yes, it could. And the prize for finding a case is
a spin around the Warehouse on Steve McQueen's motorbike?
No. But try a free trip to Hartford
because Pete and Myka are on the trail of a vanishing jewel thief in Denver.
So, you and I will do this investigation.
You and I?
Really? Yeah.
Well, I mean, I haven't had a lot of time in the field, and you're...
I'm what?
Nothing. That was the end of my sentence.
Pack because we're leaving right away. Where are my sunglasses?
This is why I pimped your specs.
Just tap the ends of the glasses together to complete the circuit.
Brava.
That is very well done.
Well, we're a team. Claudia and Artie.
Clartie. Artia?
Pack. Yeah.
Pete!
I got the bag! You get him!
Secret Service!
What happened?
Asian guy. Went out that window!
What is with this guy and windows?
Hey, are you all right?
Hey, Pete, this way!
Got it covered.
Whoa! Oh! Ow. Oh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Further than I thought.
We lost him.
Ah, what? But we got the artifact.
Well, let's take a look at it then.
Jeez, where's the drummer and fife?
I just hurt my knee, okay? And my shoulder.
I'm probably going to have a huge bruise on my... What is that?
That is the world's smallest purple violin.
You know, one day you're going to make some lucky guy a very sarcastic wife.
Huh.
Half lion, half eagle.
A griffin.
I know.
Well, did you know that in Chinese mythology
they were used to guard treasure?
But somehow this one helps people steal treasure
and then make a clean getaway.
Oh, hey, speaking of,
now that the mission is accomplished, you can go to your high school reunion.
See some of your old friends.
You did have friends in high school, right?
As a matter of fact Kurt Smoller,
who is the captain of the football team,
emailed me and invited me personally.
Wow. You and a football captain, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. We hung out.
Okay, I tutored him in math.
Well, that's perfect.
Now you can go back and show big, fat Kurt Smoller
that smart girls grow up pretty.
Fine! I will go.
Excellent.
Oh.
Well, let's bag old Kathy Griffin there, shall we?
Ready? Yep.
Nothing to it.
And now, for two days,
we get to pretend we're normal.
Leena? Leena?
Pete!
I have a good name.
Hey, Leena.
Hey, Pete.
Wow. I didn't know the Warehouse had a canned food aisle.
Ooh, red herrings, huh?
Oh, I bet that case was really hard to solve.
Did you hurt your leg?
I did. I twisted it
nabbing the griffin, which I put on Artie's desk.
I didn't see him or Claudia.
They're in Hartford on a mission.
Pete, put that back!
That's the original can of worms.
All right. Well, 3:00 on a Friday, so I am calling it.
I will see you on Monday.
Take care of that leg. And you should stay in bed all weekend.
My plan exactly.
Ah! Ow, ow.
I think that the donation is suspicious. That's all.
I've done nothing wrong.
I gave money to fund free clinics across the country.
That's a good thing.
No, no, it's a good thing if you did it of your own free will.
But I get a feeling that your wife wasn't too thrilled with that decision.
What makes you think that?
Okay, she was upset with my sudden generosity
but that's because she didn't understand why I did it.
And why did you do it?
I don't have to answer to you. Or my wife.
Is there another woman?
No.
There's only one woman for me.
Okay.
Claudia, I think that we could be dealing with a home wrecking artifact.
Two of the V.P. S have filed for divorce.
Oh, make that three.
V.P. Of Product Operations
just called off his engagement.
You got that off the internet?
Mmm, social networking, but old school.
Teri, the receptionist is chatty.
So, aside from these donations,
what else do these Truehart executives have in common?
Ooh, one thing.
I cross-checked their recent credit card charges,
Hansen's Bar showed up on all three expense accounts.
Can you pull up the receipts?
Observe.
Well, each of these guys met with the same person.
You know that how?
Because look, on each receipt, apple mojito.
Are any of these Truehart executives not affected?
John Donley.
Oh, wait. Oh! Pickles, that was just him with Teri.
We should go warn him.
No, no, no. We should track him,
because he could be the mojito drinker.
See if you can hack into the garage cameras and then follow...
Hey, Teri,
John say where he was headed?
Hansen's Bar for a drink with a client.
You should try it. They have the best happy hour clam bar.
Do you feel like clams?
I feel a little clammy, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Let me just say
T.G.I.F.
Sorry about the knee.
Kind of limits my moves a little.
No complaints,
unless you were faking it so I had to do most of the work.
Why...
Why don't women ever believe me?
Let's not get into that.
Don't worry.
We won't go dancing tonight.
Good.
Because there's nothing I want that isn't right here in this bed.
Megan?
Wait, let me guess.
I have no idea.
Myka Bering.
Myka.
Great.
Okay. So tonight's cocktail party plus a room is 120,
unless of course you plan to hook up with someone and don't need the room.
I'll take the room.
So, is Kurt Smoller here yet?
Right over there.
Isn't it disgusting?
He's in better shape and has more hair than he did in high school.
Yeah.
Oh, come on. Give us a smile.
Just take the picture.
There's the apple mojito.
We're dealing with a femme fatale.
I thought you were interested in group insurance, Miss Andrews.
And if you're buying, I'm selling.
But if you're selling, I'm not buying.
You haven't heard the whole pitch.
I've heard enough. I'm a happily married man.
And John's reaching for his briefcase.
Now he's walking out.
Okay, I'm going to follow him. You stay here.
Flag on the play.
Now he's heading back to her.
You fascinate me.
Excuse me, could I get another vodka tonic, please?
Vodka tonic?
That's a grown up drink.
Kurt.
Myka Bering? The algebra girl?
Yeah. I'm glad you could make it.
Really? Well, you know, I mostly came
because of that nice email that you sent me.
Oh, yeah. Megan sent those out.
We're co-chairs.
Ah.
So, you two still a couple?
No. Not since senior prom.
I think once you see somebody vomit that much for that long,
it changes everything.
Well, maybe we should catch up some time.
Yeah, well, do you want to join us for a drink?
I mean, you remember the guys?
Royboy and Gabers and Phil?
Yeah, I... I remember them.
Maybe later?
Maybe later.
Okay, what the hell?
Well, she must be using some kind of seduction artifact.
There's so many that it could be.
Valentino's cigarette,
Helen of Troy's cuff bracelet, you know.
JFK had a... He had a tie pin that drove women...
What the hell are you doing?
I'm setting an alarm in case there's any activity in John's bank account.
Very good idea.
Whoa.
You've still got some kick in you, huh?
What was that about?
So, are you sure you don't want a bowl of cereal?
Mmm-mmm. Just another bowl of you.
Hey, I'll have another one.
Oh.
Hello, is this Pete?
Whoa.
I'm not sure.
I mean, is this Myka?
I don't know. I look like Pete but I don't feel like Pete.
You feel like me. Right? I mean, like Myka.
Pete, what the hell happened?
Uh, jeez, I don't know.
I would say we switched bodies.
Pete?
Am I you?
Oh, yeah. We definitely switched bodies.
Pete, get your hands off my breasts.
Myka, how did you know that?
Because you're still you and I'm still me even though we're in different bodies.
Okay, we got to figure... Ow!
Myka, what is it?
You really did hurt your knee.
Okay, this body whammy is definitely artifact related.
I mean, I saw a flash of the griffin.
Me too, Pete.
Okay, now we've got to get back to the Warehouse.
Here's your drink, miss.
Hold on. Hey, pal, how many of those have I had?
This will be four.
Holy crap.
Myka, listen, I drank three...
I drank three vodka tonics.
No, no, no, Pete, I drank three vodka tonics.
Okay, so you feel my knee pain and I feel your booze buzz.
Oh, my God, Pete, I am so sorry.
I would have had juice if I'd have known we were going to switch bodies.
This is going to be tough to explain at my next A.A. Meeting.
Promise me you won't drink any more.
Don't worry. I remember this feeling and it doesn't end well.
And don't drive, okay? You're a bad enough driver already.
I'll come get you. It's not that far.
Who's on the phone?
Pete.
Hey, is that Kelly?
Myka. I mean, it's my partner, Myka.
It's a girl.
Myka, hi, yes,
I will go to the office to pick up the file.
I'll be there in about three hours.
Okay? And in the meantime, don't do anything that I wouldn't do,
and I mean that.
Hey, the same goes for you.
Kelly, I got to go.
Now? But we were going to spend the whole weekend together.
I know, but I'm...
You know, the IRS never sleeps so...
I'll be back as soon as I can.
May I remind you that you still owe me one.
Why don't we even out the score before you leave?
Oh, gosh, no, no.
No. I'm sorry.
I wish I could, sweetie... pie.
Cake.
But I just wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Oh.
Okay. Fine. Go.
Sorry.
I'll call you from the road.
And it's not like I'm a guy saying I'll call you.
I mean it.
Okay.
Oh, my God. I have got to put a shirt on.
Bye.
What have I said about the Rockies all season? It all comes down to...
Pitching.
Yeah, runs don't matter.
The Rocks can't win without the bullpen.
Exactly what I was going to say.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me get you a chair.
Hey, hey, hey, too slow.
Anyway, with De La Rosa and Jimenez, you have strength...
Strength on the mound, but depth?
Man, I don't think so.
Clearly she knows more than you guys.
Ooh, anyone want hot wings?
Hey, Sam, wing us.
Did it go through?
It's done.
Well, lookie that.
He just marked a $3 million chunk of bonds
to sell when the market opens.
She's sending him away.
Why would she do that? Because she got what she wanted.
I'm going in. But first, precautions.
To neutralize that tainted cigarette smoke.
This should block any pheromone-related
or perfume-borne substances.
And just to be safe,
these are in-ear noise cancellers that will avoid
any kind of siren-related artifacts.
That should be that.
Cover me.
Pardon me, miss. I'm a federal agent.
And I know that you somehow forced executives from Truehart
to donate to free clinics, and before you deny it,
we just traced some activity on John Donley's bank account.
That's some pick up line.
Something has entered your life that's giving you power over men.
I know that,
and I want to know what that thing is
because you've been abusing that power, haven't you?
I'm not the bad guy here.
In fact, once you get to know me,
I'm actually quite nice.
Oh, your charms aren't going to work on me, lady.
Sorry.
You sure you don't see something you like?
No. I'm here on business.
It's time you start answering my questions.
It's done.
That's why you're the master. Did you get the artifact?
No, no, she's clean. Let's go.
Hold on.
So, Artie, what's our next move? Who's our next suspect?
I told you, the investigation is over.
Those men gave their fortunes away.
For a good cause.
You stay away from her.
What? She's mine!
Artie!
Back off, Donley! She loves me now!
What? Artie!
I am going to Tesla him until he is impotent!
Artie, stop. She's gotten to you. Give...
Just stay out of this.
I'm taking you down!
Guys... Claudia, get out of my way!
Hey, that's her car.
Lauren! Lauren! Wait for me!
Lauren!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Call 911.
Oh, my God, she should be more careful. She could get hurt.
Seriously though, you actually like the Three Stooges?
Yeah.
Who's your favorite Joe?
I would have to go with Besser over DeRita.
Although nobody could hold a candle to Curly.
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. A wiseguy, eh?"
"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff."
Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but until tonight,
I had no idea you were so much fun.
Dude, until tonight, I wasn't that much fun.
Okay, there's something special happening here, right? You feel this?
You don't know the half of it.
Dude, what the hell?
I thought you wanted me to.
No!
Jeez!
Crap.
I'm a chick.
Pete!
I got to go.
Okay.
Okay. Pete, Pete, Pete!
Just let me do it.
Jeez, I haven't had a drink in eight years.
The buzz lasts a little bit longer than I remember.
Oh, is that why you kissed my high school crush?
Ow! I didn't kiss him. He kissed me.
Wait, Kurt likes me?
No, he likes me. He thinks you are a giganto nerd.
Right. We'll fix this.
Well, me first. I got to take a leak.
Don't forget to sit down.
And don't touch anything.
Dark, reeling feeling.
Artie, I just found something huge.
What rhymes with adorable?
Deplorable? No.
No. More able...
More able to impassionate.
Stop writing poetry!
No, I can't stop. Hey, I need your brain.
I just found out Lauren's brother died
six months ago of liver disease.
His request for a transplant was denied by his insurance.
You want to guess who the provider was?
Truehart. So it's a revenge thing. And who can blame her?
We can. No.
Apparently, the money's not enough. She wants their lives.
Well, you know, when I see her,
I'll ask her to stop wanting their lives
and she'll do it because she's sweet.
Holy gams, Batman, that's how she's doing it.
Rangel? Pangel? Artie, look at this.
You touched Lauren's leg. John Donley touched it, too.
I think adorable is better.
Don't show me another man groping my Lauren.
Oh, that man's in the hospital with five broken ribs and you could be next.
Oh. What can you tell me about Lauren's leg?
That the only thing that stops it going on forever is the floor.
Silky smooth, and subtly soft.
Ooh, I like subtly soft. That's it. Silky smooth.
Oh, so maybe it's a body cream
that she's using to turn men into stalkers.
Stalker?
No.
Would a stalker go to her house in the middle of the night to read her poetry?
Oh, Artie, you can't go over there without a shower.
You're all stinky from artifact hunting.
Oh, yes, it has been a long day.
Gamey, right? Shower, yeah.
But not a cold one.
I...
Well, Leena's looking into it,
but what do we do in the meantime?
Let's go over the griffin.
There could be something.
All right.
Just...
A metal flap.
That's it.
Is it?
Yes, yes, it means it's a bookend and not a statue.
And bookends come in pairs.
And if there's another one, the thief probably has it.
He could be anywhere by now.
No, wait, Leena said that when she put the griffin down, it rotated.
It looks like it's pointing, like a compass.
Maybe it'll lead us to its mate in some dualistic attraction.
Come on, let's hit the road.
Oh, and could you change out of my dress?
I just bought that today.
Jeez.
That's Kelly.
Oh, shoot. I said I'd call her.
Uh-huh. So it's not just a guy thing.
Hi, Kelly. It's me, Pete.
Hey, you know, I know that I said that I'd call you,
but I forgot and so I want to make it up to you with this promise...
No! What? No promises! No, Myka! Myka! No promises!
Uh, yes, let me... Let me get someplace private.
Fresh as a daisy,
and a little less formal and slightly slimming.
And all you need is your hat.
Ooh, what a good idea. All right...
What are you doing? No. Claudia!
Knock, knock. Just like old times.
Claudia!
It's for your own protection, Artie.
I'm going to Lauren's to do what Warehouse agents do,
get the artifact.
If you hurt Lauren, I will hunt you down.
Mmm-hmm.
Pwned.
God, how can you stand this hair?
I just want to cut it off.
You do that and I will shave your entire body.
Use the hair tie. It's on my right arm.
So, I just thought it was an ugly bracelet.
So, what do I do?
Turn.
So what did you promise Kelly?
Well, you will find out. Oh, my God, your hands are so clumsy.
Ow!
There.
Look at that.
What is it doing?
Hey! You have the other griffin.
You were right. There are two of them.
Security guard, you and the thief were working together.
Wrong again. We are together.
And we've been looking all over town for you.
I really don't like where this is going.
I need the other griffin now!
No! First you show up...
There's no time!
Myka, grab the griffin!
Whoa. I'm me again. Myka, where are you?
I'm back to myself.
This just got easier.
Wrong. He's the nice one.
So am I.
Now we're sharing one body, too.
Pete? Pete, we have got to fix this.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, hi. I work with Artie.
Get out of here.
No can do. Two men are in the hospital and you're still on the loose.
That wasn't my fault.
I saw you hit John Donley with your car.
That wasn't me driving. Then who was it?
Me.
I told you to get out of here.
Sharing the same body now. Great.
Should make Myka do this.
Really? Just when I could used the upper body strength.
Okay.
Hey, you're still up.
Kurt.
This is a really bad time for a booty call.
What makes you think it's a booty call?
Well, what else would it be?
Busted. Can I come in?
No. No, you can't.
And just believe me when I say it's not you, it's me.
Myka, I promise I just want to talk.
The lady said good night.
Wait, Myka didn't tell me she was involved.
You went for it, man. That's cool.
Now get lost.
Look, man, you really don't have to do this. I'm not after you.
I'm not taking any chances until Lauren and I are on that plane.
What plane?
The one that's taking us far away, my love.
I don't want to go anywhere with you, Howard.
You do.
You're just distracted by all these people.
Is that why you handcuffed me?
I won't allow any of these other men to steal you away.
I'm going to go pack your bags and then we'll get out of here.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea these guys would turn violent.
Yeah, well, just let me think about this for a minute.
If Artie is a federal agent, won't he come after you?
He would, except I kind of handcuffed him in his hotel room.
Fastest working karma ever.
Karma. Yeah, that's how this whole thing got started.
I wanted that insurance company to pay back to others what they took from me.
I never wanted anyone hurt.
So how are you doing it?
It's something to do with your legs, right?
Stockings.
I don't know why or how they work,
but when men touch them, they'll do anything I ask.
Which is cool.
You know, until they become obsessed stalkers and you can't control them.
Where are the stockings now?
On a rod in the bathroom.
Oh, right.
Like I don't know how to improvise an electromagnet.
I was doing this when MacGyver was still trapped in his crib.
Yeah, come to papa.
Oh!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes.
Come, baby, come, come, come. Yeah.
Okay.
And this is only one of 23 ways that I could have escaped.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
We can help. Just tell us what to...
The griffins.
I got them. They're right here.
Quick.
This is bad.
Just tell us what to do.
You... Just...
Oh!
Oh. I sure wish he'd...
Finished that sentence.
All set. By this time tomorrow,
we'll be relaxing in a villa near Lisboa.
And as for you...
Lauren, come on. Say something.
Howard, don't hurt her.
I have no choice.
She would get between us and I can't allow anything to come between us.
You? You.
Lauren, are you all right?
Yes, but what did you do to him?
Temporary blindness.
This is a shard from the lens of the Pharos Lighthouse,
Alexandria, and there's a Phoenix.
Oh, so many things that I could show you.
Artie, thank God. He was about to shoot me.
Claudia, the prism was meant for you.
She thought that she could outsmart me
but I've got moves she's never even dreamt of.
We're out of here.
No. No. First, unlock Claudia.
Unlock the girl that tried to come between us?
Never. Let's go.
Leena, you're our last hope.
We just learned the hard way that two things can't occupy the same space.
Okay. I looked into split personalities which led me to Robert Louis Stevenson
who wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Going through his notes, I found a picture of him in his study...
Can we move this along?
I'm starting to get a really...
Bad vibe.
So that's what vibes feel like. Huh.
On the shelf behind him there's two bookends.
Griffins?
No. One is an eagle and the other is a lion.
It seemed like such a coincidence...
Maybe the bookends on the mantel are in an inactive state.
What if the heads can be switched and the duality...
Can be reversed.
We need to make the eagle and the lion whole again.
I'll call you back.
Okay.
It worked.
All right, come on, birdie.
You'll have to kill me.
Nothing but a bullet will stop me from trying to be with Lauren.
Artie, don't.
Lauren, go get the stockings. Now!
I know exactly how you feel, Howard.
Then you know I'll follow her to the ends of the earth.
As would I.
Get on your knees, I'll make it quick.
Artie, stop this! You're not a cold-blooded killer! Lauren!
Little birdie.
Got it.
Well, yeah, that's because I loosened it for you.
Put the eagle head on the eagle.
Okay.
Just get it over with.
What do I do with them?
Put a run in them. Use your nails, anything.
And the lion head on the...
Oh, my God.
Howard, are you okay?
I'm not sure.
My eyes hurt. Ow.
Oh, my God, I've got to get home to my wife.
That was too close.
In so many ways.
So, I guess we can't even pretend to be normal, huh?
Normal.
Not really in our wheelhouse.
Good job.
Hey, look, I found the artifact.
Where did you get those?
My great grandfather's estate.
More details. You turned several of us into blabbering fools,
I'd like to know how.
Who was your great grandfather?
He was a diplomat during World War I.
They were in a box with a card.
"Souviens-toi de moi, mon amour"
"Souviens-toi..."
"Remember me, my love."
World War I? Yeah.
The card, was it signed Margaretha?
Yes. How did you know that?
Margaretha Zelle,
otherwise known as Mata Hari.
The spy?
And a world-class seductress.
There's no way to tell whether they worked on her or she worked on them.
Either way, they worked.
I need to call the hospital, find out if John Donley's okay.
I hope he doesn't have his company's insurance.
And Clartie saves the day.
Kiddo, I want to thank you for focusing on your job and trying to protect me.
Well, I learned from the master.
You know the keys are over there.
From here I can count eight ways that you can escape.
Okay, look, I'm really sorry...
Oh, a spatula, make that nine.
Claudia.
"Knock, knock."
Open.
Then the thief walks into the jewelry store, right?
Asks the clerk to see something pricey.
The clerk turns around, poof,
he turns into the other one.
I got to say it's a pretty cool plan.
Yeah, until they exploded, it was perfect.
Now the griffins are back in their dormant state.
Yes. The eagle and the lion.
And the Myka and Pete.
What? Hey, I...
I'll be right back.
What?
Hey.
Hey, where's your boyfriend?
Oh, I don't have one.
All right, obviously you're seeing someone.
You know what, Kurt, nothing,
nothing is really obvious about me.
And I just... I wanted to tell you that...
I'm not who I seemed to be before.
Okay, well, whoever that was, she was a lot of fun.
Well, I really enjoyed talking to you, too.
Do you want to have...
Do you want to keep in touch?
Definitely.
Would it be okay if I kissed you goodbye?
So okay.
You know what? I just really have to ask you, which kiss was better,
this one or the one before?
Ah, honestly?
Yeah. This one.
The one before, you burped in the middle of it.
Bye, Kurt. I'll email you.
Ta-da!
Rose petals?
And candles.
And balloons.
And chocolates.
As promised.
Who needs candy? I want you.
So, everything's okay between us?
Are you kidding?
What you said on the phone is the sweetest thing a guy has ever said to me.
I bet you don't even remember the exact words.
Oh, I remember.
No man has ever understood me like that.
I'm so glad that...
That you're you.
Me, too.
But, but, but, you know what would be really fun?
Oh!
Yeah. Why don't you say back to me what I said on the phone
and then I'll grade you for accuracy?
Or not.
Previously on warehouse 13...
Rebecca St. Clair?
You found Jack.
You weren't just his girlfriend.
You're a Warehouse agent.
I always knew if we didn't quit,
one of us, one day, would lose the other.
One last thing that you might be interested in seeing.
"Together forever."
I guess Jack chose you over the Warehouse after all.
It says that the de-bronze function was activated twice.
Who's our mystery guest?
Pete, Artie says that H.G. Wells is actually...
A woman.
I was apprenticed at Warehouse 12.
My daughter, Christina, had been murdered.
Everything that ever mattered in my life is gone now,
except the Warehouse.
I want to come back and work there again.
She is nothing like me. I'll never trust that woman.
H.G. Wells is to be fully reinstated as a Warehouse agent.
What are you doing here?
No!
Ugh!
Do I make you nervous, darling?
No. Not nervous. Why would you make me nervous?
You're part of the team now and not evil.
Artie. Good. Morning. Good morning, Artie.
Why is no one here? I'm here.
Congratulations, we'll have a gold star delivered to your room.
- Where are the others? - Right here.
Hey, guys. Claude, did you drop something?
Uh, yeah, I just had a little slippery fingers.
I make her nervous.
Claude, there's no need for you to be nervous.
I'm not, I wasn't. Jeez.
It's okay. There will be a period of adjustment.
Although, I have already earned a gold star.
Why does she get a gold star? She doesn't.
Let's talk about your next assignment.
Shouldn't there be some sort of orientation for H. G?
It's not necessary.
Let's not make a fuss.
Yeah, you already got a gold star.
There is no gold star, there won't be orientation.
It's bad enough she's here at all.
Can we just try to get through this?
Well, now I'm nervous.
Why do things have to change because of her?
I mean, if we're moving to a gold star system...
Excuse me.
Rebecca?
Are you kids still in the artifact finding business?
Jonah Ross, 82, local English teacher.
Died of natural causes.
A friend of yours? Hardly.
Jonah Ross was actually Jonah Raitt.
In 1961, he was an editor of Where & When magazine.
He killed three of his secretaries.
And his wife.
He used an artifact that altered their body chemistry.
Skin, bone, muscle, blood.
Turned them all to glass.
Jack and I never found him or the artifact.
Two of the women died before we got on the glass girl case.
We could have saved Raitt's wife and Roxanne Crane.
But Raitt did something to us.
We had no memory the entire day they were killed.
Then he disappeared.
All those years, Raitt and I were living in the same city.
I went to his address to I.D. And retrieve the artifact, but...
You didn't find anything.
He wrote this obituary himself. Read the last line.
"If you're still out there, Jack and Rebecca, thanks for my life."
You think he was taunting you?
He was a cruel son of a bitch.
The artifact is still out there and in play.
No one else should die because I couldn't crack down on this.
We need to find it.
All right, I'll go to St. Louis.
I'll check out the house again.
Claudia, forward me the info. I could use the field time.
Uh, Artie, you don't want us to go?
No, I got this. It's getting a little crowded around here.
Artie, I'd like to come with you.
Fine.
We'll find it.
You say you both blacked out?
Apparently, Jack and I went about our lives.
We just couldn't remember it.
We assumed that Jonah caused it.
Was it 24 hours exactly?
No, it was 22 hours and 19 minutes.
I'm very observant. Why?
I don't care if it is the H.G. Wells section,
what the hell are we doing down here?
Why does it matter that it was 22 hours and 19 minutes?
What does it mean?
It means someone used my time machine.
It's not a vehicle like in my novel.
Physical time travel is an impossibility.
Okay, so it's not a time machine?
It's a temporal consciousness transfer engine.
A means to traverse the space time continuum using one's mind.
So it is a time machine?
Not exactly.
I'd become intrigued by the idea of Gestalt,
the collective unconscious.
What if one were able to connect with the mind
of someone who lived centuries ago?
It happens randomly in nature.
Past life experience.
Oh, right, right.
Like Russell Crowe was a Tasmanian convict in the 1800s.
I read it online.
My machine allows your mind to inhabit the body of someone in the past.
See what they see, feel what they feel.
Live a day in history.
And you've done it? You've actually travelled through time?
Ah, that must have been so awesome.
No, not really.
Okay, so, uh, what about the person, you know, possessed?
They black out
for 22 hours and 19 minutes.
That's how long the trip lasts.
Never could work out why.
Are you saying that someone used, or will use, this machine
to inhabit Jack and me in 1961?
It would explain your losing time.
Hey, this doesn't look like it belongs here.
You might want to take a look at this.
"Dear Charlie, do me a favor
"and put this in the H. G. Wells storage area.
"I won't ask about it, don't bring it up. Trust me. Jack."
That's not Jack's handwriting.
I know. It's mine.
Hey, I'm... I'm ready.
Yeah, uh, listen, you don't really have to tag along.
I know. I just thought it would be nice if we could spend some time together.
Maybe after we find the artifact,
go for dinner and a movie.
Really?
No.
Is this really how it's going to be?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You can't keep freezing me out because I supported Helena joining the Warehouse.
Oh, it's Helena now, is it? If it's all right with you,
I'll just keep calling her the villain.
Artie, you're being childish.
Do you know what it takes to keep a Warehouse agent alive?
Myka, trusting the agent beside you has your back.
I couldn't trust McPherson, could I? Could I?
He's the one who let H.G. Out.
How the hell am I supposed to trust her?
Helena has proven more than once that she has my back.
I thought I'd proven that I had yours.
You know what? On second thought,
I'll just handle this one on my own.
So, Artie decided to
check out Raitt's apartment on his own.
What?
I know this is going to sound nuts.
I'm sure you're sitting there,
arms folded, twirling your hair, biting your lip,
not wanting to believe this, but...
I'm you. I'm Myka. Inside Rebecca.
Well, your mind, anyway.
We've traveled back through time.
I'm Pete. Hi, Pete.
Hi, me.
I can't believe this. This... This isn't possible.
We don't have a lot of time. Can you be serious?
Don't give Rebecca back her body all tensed up like that.
Pete. Focus.
Yoink. It is you guys.
Listen, Myka. Pete is going to try to convince you
to use the time machine to travel back to 1961 to identify an artifact.
It's okay. Pete's actually right for a change.
And Pete, Get your ass to Mars.
Get your ass to Mars.
Mars. Like Total Recall.
Oh, I love that movie.
Okay, we're done.
Oh, there's one last thing you need to know before you get here.
The artifact is a...
Hey, are you okay?
It's just seeing Jack again.
Um, well, what about the butterfly effect?
You know, when you step on a butterfly in the past, it changes the whole future.
No, I tried to change the past, I failed.
Look, it'll be strictly recon, right?
We'll go back, get eyes on the artifact and track it in the here and now.
Maybe we should wait for Artie.
Every moment you wait, it risks another person's life in the present.
Well, I did tell me to do it.
Oh, sweet. Pete and Myka's excellent adventure.
It's funny.
It was after this case that Jack and I fell in love.
It was the day we blacked out.
I woke up in an orchard and Jack was kissing me.
Our first kiss.
I was so surprised.
I mean, I always fancied him,
but he was always so mean to me.
All right, I hooked up the machine to the main power grid.
That's definitely enough juice for it to run the full day.
Okay. Whoa, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Out of curiosity, what happens to us if Jack and Rebecca bite it
while we're inside their bodies?
Hoping not.
I suspect your minds will be lost forever.
Hoping not.
Oh, good. Just making sure it's as bad as I thought.
I couldn't change the past, but maybe you can.
So is there a big countdown?
Uh. No.
Okay.
The time machine set us on fire!
Pete!
Pete, it's okay. It's okay. Look.
We're in 1961.
Uh-huh.
Myka,
check it out. We're...
Jack and Rebecca.
I was going to say still hot, but, yes, that too.
My God.
Are we done fixing our hair and makeup, ladies?
Who's the old goat?
Charlie Martin. He's our Artie.
You think this is a good place to catch 40 winks?
Uh, no, Sir. No. You're right, Charlie.
It's not her fault.
See, I had kind of a thing there. And it was...
Don't blame him, really. It's a rough morning for both of us.
Sorry, Rebecca.
Rough morning.
Maybe you should take the rest of the day off.
Or maybe you should get back to work.
We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, sir.
We'll just get back to work.
Yes, we're sorry.
Sir, thank you.
Sir?
Mr. Martin. What is this? What's going on?
You two don't cover for each other.
You're mean to each other. What gives?
Ah, yes. Right.
The meanness...
Jerk. ...we have for each other.
Hate you.
I need you in Calcutta. You're off the glass girl case.
Wait a minute, what? What?
- What do you mean? - Not a discussion.
Gus is getting close to Man Ray's camera, I need you on that.
If another glass girl turns up, we'll get back into it.
Look, this comes directly from Mrs. Frederic.
So, if you want to piss her off
and have her give you that stare, go ahead.
Lady terrifies me.
Look, Charlie, all we need is one more day.
I've already got a job lined up at the magazine,
and Jack is going to talk to Raitt's wife.
I am? Yes.
It was in Rebecca's... My...
My file.
If we don't find anything, then Calcutta.
Fine. 24 hours. No more.
Oh, Charlie, we're going to need everything that you can find on Jonah Raitt.
Of course, Rebecca. Anything you need.
After all I'm your secretary, right?
I really don't like him.
He's a bit of a sphincter. Mmm-hmm.
I'm going to go interview Raitt's wife.
I'll meet you back at the magazine, okay?
Unbelievable.
I know. Steaks for a dollar.
No, no, I mean...
No, no, no. I know what you mean,
but a dollar!
What... What, hey, hey. What?
I want you to be careful in there, okay?
If he's got an artifact in his office,
just get eyes on it. Don't engage.
He's obviously a nut bar.
I'll be fine. When you talk to Mrs. Raitt,
just remember, it's 1961, okay?
Women slap men when they get fresh.
Huh? What?
I am a capable woman.
You are just a tape recorder.
You...
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
First day?
Yeah.
Roxanne.
Thank you for your time, Mrs. Raitt.
The Secret Service, that must be so exciting.
Well, it has its moments.
Well, if the President's coming, it's a good thing
you're making sure the neighborhood is safe.
It's just a precaution.
Can't be too careful.
Isn't that true?
You know, we voted for him.
There was something about that Nixon I just didn't trust.
Good call.
So, is there anything new around here?
Something your husband may have brought home from the office?
He killed his three secretaries.
And his wife.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I mean yes, ma'am.
Four women murdered cruelly and unnaturally.
I just... I had a feeling.
You look so happy in that photo.
Agent Secord, does the president have reason
to be concerned about my marriage?
No. No, Ma'am.
No reason.
Thank you so much.
You know, I really like your bracelet.
Thanks. It was a gift.
From whom?
Was there someone that you're...
Ladies.
This is a place of business,
not a sewing circle.
Certainly, Mr. Raitt.
How can you tell if, um...
Oh, uh,
it, uh, uses a lot of power.
But don't worry, the Warehouse can take it.
Not the Warehouse I'm worried about.
I hate this. I was talking to Beth and I kept thinking,
"You have no idea that you're going to die today. Today."
I mean, how is that fair? It's not.
Rebecca, you seem to have gotten the hang of that dictation.
You're practically a natural.
Oh, no, not really.
I'm going to be leaving for the day.
Goodnight, Roxanne, I'll see you in the morning.
Yes. In the morning.
Have a good night, Mr. Raitt.
Well, I should probably call it a night.
Good night.
She's lying. They both are.
They're obviously meeting up tonight.
Do people not know how to lie in 1961?
That's the Roxanne, the next victim.
We can't think of her like that.
How can we not? That guy is going to kill her and his wife.
There's nothing that we can do.
Recon only. The timeline.
Screw the timeline, okay?
I'm going after Raitt. You stay here and search his office.
Maybe he stashed the artifact.
Pete, no! You can't!
Sweetheart, I am going to need these
collated and filed by the end of business today.
Thanks, honey.
Honey? Sweetheart? Listen, bub, I...
Pete?
There. That ought to be enough to stabilize it,
at least until the fluctuations...
Claudia. What's this?
Artie, hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, there was nothing at Raitt's apartment.
What are you doing here?
Well, we had a power
issue because of this...
It's a funny story.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Are you all right?
Yes. Yes. I'm fine. Just a little bit dizzy.
Hold on. I'll get you some water, all right?
Nice work, Miss Streep.
Next time, let's try it with an accent.
I just didn't want Artie to...
Martinis.
Thank you.
Hey.
Jackie O, huh?
Who?
Uh...
Jackie Kennedy.
I mean like, "Oh, wow, she's foxy."
What do you got there?
I mean, look at this, it's a relic.
This stuff was outdated in the '50's.
Yeah, I'm more of a Sports Illustrated guy myself.
Better. Yeah.
Of course, if you ask me, they could stand to spice to things up a little bit.
Add a little cheesecake,
and maybe have a swimsuit issue.
Got an eye for the ladies, huh?
I do.
You know, they say that God made us in his image.
It makes me think that God must be a woman.
I mean, look at her.
She's stunning, right?
But this magazine, it does its best to make her seem dull.
She should be admired,
like a work of art.
Go back to Pete and Myka.
Are you sure you're okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
No more sniffing glue, young lady.
Hey.
Um, Rebecca,
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Just a little bit too much excitement for this old gal.
It's very ungentlemanly to rifle through a lady's handbag.
Well, when you collapsed, I wanted to check
to see if you were taking any medication,
and I had to look up Erlop...
Erlotinib.
You know, in a way, I'm lucky.
Most Warehouse agents don't usually live long enough to die of cancer.
What kind of prognosis...
Grim.
And that's optimistic.
You know, I always said
I'd find that artifact if it was the last thing I did.
Rebecca,
we'll find it.
It was nice talking to you.
You too.
Cigarette, sir?
Uh, no thanks.
Myka? Hello.
What are you doing here? This is a gentlemen's only club.
Well, interestingly enough, if you're wearing one of these outfits,
nobody bothers to look at your face.
Look, don't try and talk me out of this, okay?
Raitt's our guy. He's been talking about turning women into art.
Pete.
Oh, great, he's gone.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Do you know where Jonah Raitt went?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. He just drove off.
Damn it. Good work, Myka.
Forget trying to stop him. How are we supposed to I.D. The artifact now?
Give me the Farnsworth.
So nice of both of you to check in. I'm touched.
You need to quit smoking, man.
Charlie, did you get any of that information on Raitt I asked you for?
It was the highlight of my day.
Well, were there any hotel receipts?
What? Hotel?
Oh, right.
Because the dude's stepping out on his wife, then...
He's not inviting them home.
Wrong again, Rebecca. He is inviting them home.
Wait, come again?
Raitt took a deduction last year on a second residence.
A one-bedroom at 15 Hoover Street.
Must be a side pad where he engages in sexual congress
with his secretaries.
And Rebecca, nice catch.
You're teacher's pet in every decade, aren't you?
The file said that Roxanne was killed on Hoover Street.
Let's go.
She's going to be fine, Claudia.
I assure you.
So, where'd you go when you used your time machine?
Uh, mani-pedies with Cleopatra?
Snog with Casanova?
Paris, 1899.
Why?
That's, um... That's where I'd arranged for
my daughter Christina to spend the summer with cousins.
I was away a great deal. A single working mother, to use today's parlance.
One day, Christina awoke with a fever.
Sophie, the housekeeper, had her stay in bed.
Um, the men who came to rob my cousin's home were expecting an empty house.
Sophie tried to fight them, but there were too many.
She survived but, um,
Christina...
Sophie had no recollection of the 22 hours and 19 minutes
during which the incident occurred.
And when one of the thieves was finally captured,
he described how Sophie had fought
using Kempo, a fighting style that I favored,
and I began to suspect... I knew.
I just knew that somehow, I had travelled back in time and become Sophie.
Eventually I constructed the machine,
determined to alter the course of events.
But the ink with which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
I imagine
losing a child is the worst pain a person can go through.
No, actually.
When I tracked them down,
what I did to the men who killed my daughter,
that's the most pain a person can go through.
Roxanne.
Jeepers. You scared the life out of me.
Roxanne, you're in danger.
Danger?
Rebecca, what are you doing here?
We know what's going on between you and Raitt.
I have to go.
No. Listen to me!
Pete! Pete, look at me. Just don't do this.
No. I'm not going to let her die, Myka.
Pete, you know that you can't stop this!
Roxanne, wait!
What are you doing here?
No!
I know you.
You were at the club.
Are you following me?
My God.
That's Roxanne's bracelet.
What happened?
Look, we can't explain this, but...
She's dead. We're sorry.
It's not him. Raitt's not our guy.
And we don't have much time to find out who is.
All right, first thing that we need to do
is reanalyze the data.
This place still does that, huh?
Yeah.
Artie, what are you doing?
Oh.
There's a power clot in one of the secure storage sectors.
It's probably nothing. I'll flush it out.
Send down a micro-pulse.
Artie, no!
The connection's holding, but something's just completely burnt out
the reintegration wiring.
Which means what?
I can't bring them back.
When Jack and Rebecca awaken, Pete and Myka will be lost forever.
The power level's dropping!
Well, it's overheating.
We need something to cool it down.
On it!
Whatever you're doing to my people,
it stops now.
Myka. Myka, are you okay?
Oh, God.
What the hell was that? I don't know.
Do you... Do you think something went wrong?
Oh, Roxanne.
What did this?
Look, Raitt,
you need to tell us what you know.
Who would want to hurt them?
I don't know how something like this...
What do you mean them?
Meredith and Ruth. The two other women who worked for your company.
No. I got a note from them. They're in Los Angeles for research.
They never left that note.
So this...
This happened to them too?
Look, I know this is a shock, but you were sleeping with these women.
Now, who would want to hurt them?
I wasn't sleeping with them!
I was trying to take over the magazine.
I was trying to get rid of the publisher
and take control of Where & When myself.
It needs artistic vision and independent thinking.
So they were helping you?
Yeah. They were completely undervalued by that company
and capable of so much more.
What, do you think someone found out and was trying to stop us?
No. No. But we need to get to Beth. We think she might be next.
My wife? Look, she has nothing to do with this.
How do you even know that?
I can't tell you, but just trust me, we've got to get there now.
You touch my wife, I swear to God...
Artie? What are you doing?
She's killing them.
I tried to explain that this is a form of time travel.
Time travel's a physical impossibility.
No. We know. This works on your mind.
So does she.
Artie pulsed the system. That's what burnt out the wiring.
I wouldn't have pulsed the system if I knew what you were doing.
If we'd have asked, you'd have said no.
You bet your ass I would have said no!
Claudia, this is not your fault. You see the best in people.
People like her take advantage of people like you.
I'm not quite so naive.
Am I naive?
I asked them to do this.
If you're going to shoot the one responsible, fire away.
If we don't fix this,
we'll lose them.
They'll die.
Stand over me. Watch my every move.
But let me save them.
And if they die, I won't bother re-bronzing you.
What do you need?
A new power source, quickly.
Beth? Beth, are you here?
Look, don't worry, we'll find her. Pete... I mean...
I mean Jack is looking outside.
If she's not here, that's good, right?
Why is that good, Jonah?
Oh, my God! Thank God you're all right.
We were so worried about you.
You shouldn't be.
I tried to make it so you'd never have to worry. Ever.
And we'd always be okay.
Listen, Beth, there's a terrible thing that's happened.
Meredith, Ruth, and Roxanne have been killed.
Hmm. So you went right out and got yourself another whore.
What?
I took care of the others, and you just bring another one around?
You killed those women?
I hoped you'd get the message.
Maybe I should've been more obvious.
Jonah!
Look, Beth, there's got to be another way, okay?
Or maybe there's been...
I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding.
You shoot your little ray gun there and hit my husband.
That's all I need to understand.
Maybe not all.
Ah!
Pete!
No! It has to stay in!
Pete, this is probably going to hurt!
It already does! Okay!
Come on!
Beth?
Pete! Pete!
Jonah?
I wish you'd loved me more.
Oh, Beth.
Those poor girls.
I wish you'd loved me less.
So this... This is why we made that movie to send to ourselves.
Because we knew we'd not only get eyes on the artifact,
but we'd actually snag it.
Yeah, but we can't take it back to the future, so what was the point?
What if we could get it back to the future?
What if we could hide it somewhere we knew would exist 50 years from now?
Somewhere safe, somewhere where only we could get to it.
Warehouse.
But, Pete, we still need to make that movie, and we're running out of time.
When are we not running out of time?
Well, where the hell are we going to find a camera? Huh?
99, would you believe the credenza?
Jonah,
I don't know how to explain this,
but you've got to run.
Run? Why?
Roxanne, the other women, now you're wife.
You're the prime suspect.
But you can tell the police that it was Beth and that I'm innocent.
We can't.
We won't be in town long enough to tell anyone anything.
Okay, so where am I supposed to go?
St. Louis.
You have to trust me. You'll be safe in St. Louis.
And we're sorry to have to ask you this, but we need a favor.
We need you to mail this movie.
It will clear your name someday.
Trust us.
Jonah,
good luck.
We're not going to have enough time to get the knife back.
How far are we from the warehouse?
We can make it.
They're not going to make it.
We're not going to make it. We should have mailed the knife too.
Are you kidding me? Do you remember the last time someone mailed an artifact?
Oh, right. Doctor Doomsday A Go-Go.
But...
Oh, God.
Are you okay?
Yeah, it's just the headaches are getting worse.
What if...
What?
Just a little bit of history repeating.
Rebecca said Jack kissed her under a tree in a cherry orchard.
This must be where they woke up.
We were coming here all along.
Should we just leave the knife with Jack and Rebecca?
Well, we can't. They won't know what it is when they wake up.
And they might think it's a letter opener and glass themselves
paying the electric bill.
How about... How about right here?
Okay.
Here? Okay. Yeah.
We should have just enough time to get them back.
If this works.
The power's not transferring. I don't know what else to do.
Pete, what are you doing?
Rebecca spent her whole life blaming herself because she couldn't find the artifact.
If I can tell her where it is, then...
Pete, it won't work. It never works.
The past can't change. Yeah, and neither can I.
Back in the old days, when things didn't work...
Mine too. Works for me.
Can't you see we have to keep trying?
If we just accept fate, then we're not better than...
Are we back?
Are we in deep doo-doo?
Oh, more than you can imagine.
Oh, no, man. I dropped the note.
You guys look freaked out. Did... Did something happen?
No. No.
Did you see the artifact?
Not only did we see it, we know where it is.
It's safe.
Were you able to save any of those women?
Well, I guess you can't change the past
no matter how hard you try.
That machine.
Does it still work?
Don't tell us you want us to go back and get another artifact.
No.
But I would like to see Jack again.
One more time.
Well, the circuitry's severely damaged,
and the trip wouldn't last more than a few moments.
I wouldn't be able to bring you back.
Why would I want to come back?
Hey.
So, Pete recovered the knife.
Good.
Turns out that artifact was the basis of the Cinderella story.
Only, instead of how in the story,
a young girl meets a handsome prince who gives her a glass slipper,
Cinderella used the knife to...
Let's just say they tend to re-edit these things for children.
We like things simple when we're kids.
Black and white. Good and evil.
Sometimes I wish things still were that simple.
She did good, didn't she?
Rebecca? Yeah. She did real good.
No, I meant, you know,
Helena.
Yeah.
And so did you.
Becks?
Where the hell are we?
It's okay.
We're all right.
The last thing I remember, I was sitting in the Warehouse and...
It doesn't matter.
Jack, I missed you so much.
Missed me?
Jack, what are you doing?
What I should have done a long time ago.
Previously on Warehouse 13...
Mrs. Frederic has a connection to the Warehouse
that even I don't fully understand.
This is Benedict Valda.
He's one of the Regents.
Paris, 1899.
That's where I'd arranged for
my daughter Christina to spend the summer with cousins.
The men who came to rob my cousin's home were expecting an empty house.
I imagine
losing a child is the worst pain a person can go through.
Your breakfast is served, my lady.
A banana?
That's what you made me for breakfast?
Well, it's actually half a banana
because I could only find one in the kitchen,
so we are going to split it.
You know, if we were back at my place,
I would have made you chilaquiles for breakfast.
In bed.
Oh, mi amore.
You know how I love your chilaquiles.
And your bed.
Maybe... Maybe it could be our bed.
Well, you know Artie's really strict about certain things.
You know, he likes to have all his agents living under one roof,
you know, just in case...
There's an IRS emergency?
Exactly. You get it.
Sure.
I got to get back to work anyway.
Okay.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Hey, get back here.
Hey!
So, what do you think?
About you moving in with Kelly?
Well, yeah. I mean, is it even kosher?
You know, Warehouse-wise?
Right. Forgot who I was asking.
What is that supposed to mean?
She's a tech nerd, she's 150, and you're Myka,
not exactly relationship success stories.
Hey, I just got out of a serious relationship.
You didn't get out. He had to change his identity and move to a different state.
By order of the Justice Department.
Point taken.
I know a thing or two about the opposite sex.
Many of my lovers were men.
We're going to follow up on that at a later date.
But for now, can we bring the focus back around to moi.
Okay, Pete, you just have to ask yourself one question.
I know, do I enjoy being yelled at in espanol?
Do you love her?
Yeah.
I think so.
I don't know.
Okay, you're out to a restaurant, you order dessert.
The waitress cuts it in half.
One side is a little bit bigger than the other.
Which half do you give her?
Well, the bigger half, of course, because otherwise...
Oh. Dude, you're screwed.
You love her. What?
- No. Shut... MRS. - You're in love.
Oh, hi. Mrs. F.
Yeah, well,
apparently, based on a dessert, I guess.
I don't know. Me and the ladies were just...
Me and the ladies were just, you know, talking about a personal thing
that I have. Not that you would ever...
You know...
If it's cool, I'd just like to keep my personal stuff,
personal. Nothing personal,
I mean, you know, to you, but can I go now?
One, Agent Lattimer.
One what?
Singular sensation?
Is the Ioneliest number?
You are allowed to reveal the true nature of our work to one person.
So the question is not whether you should live with Dr. Hernandez,
but rather, is she your one?
Man, it's good to be out of that desert and back amongst the living, huh?
You know what? I might start a harem.
How many girls are there in a harem?
Uh, three.
Hold up, I finally got a signal.
Dude, no phone calls.
Chill out. I'm just texting a pic back to my sister.
Yeah, well, no one's supposed to know that we're here.
She's eight. Who's she going to tell?
John, you know the deal. Don't screw this up for us just before...
You okay, bro?
Yeah, I just suddenly got real thirsty.
You look kind of weird, man.
Terry!
Dude, what's wrong?
Dry. Dry.
Somebody help us!
Oh, my God, Rod!
We have to do something!
Mrs. F. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Hey, guys, I need help in here!
What?
Mrs. Frederic?
What happened?
One minute we were just talking and then...
Mooht pooh khesfet.
- Mooht pooh khesfet. - Mooht pooh khesfet.
I do not speak gibberish, Agent Lattimer.
Okay. Well, not so much gibberish as...
Creepy, spooky, blah, blah.
No, she's right. It wasn't gibberish.
It was one phrase that you repeated over and over.
"Mooht pooh khesfet. " It sounds Middle Eastern in origin.
Maybe Aramaic or an old form of Hebrew.
It's demotic. The tongue of ancient Egypt.
Dead languages are a hobby.
So, what does it mean?
Well, I'm not sure. It's been a while.
According to the translation program I get...
"The penalty is death."
What? What did you set it on, extra scary?
To the best of my knowledge, I do not speak demotic,
so what artifacts do we have from Egypt?
Already on it. Maybe it was dementia...
That caused me to say that.
We'll just keep going through the manifest until we find the artifact...
Holy synchronicity, Batman.
We just got a ping from Egypt.
What is it?
Nothing good.
Thanks so much for talking to us about your son, Mrs. Tilson.
We're very sorry to have to ask you these questions.
We know how difficult this must be.
So, the body they found...
They're sure then that it was my John?
I'm afraid so, ma'am.
See, this doesn't make any sense.
John couldn't have been in Egypt.
John and his friends, they were working at an archeological dig in Peru.
Peru? Yes.
He e-mailed me from there last week.
That's why this is insane.
So, he didn't say anything about going to Egypt?
No.
Oh, God.
I should call Terry and Rod's parents.
Maybe they...
What happened to our children?
Ma'am, we promise you, we'll find out.
Hello.
You're John's little sister, aren't you?
That's a very lovely photo, isn't it?
They look very happy.
May I?
Well, he's very handsome, isn't he?
And who's that lovely little girl standing next to him?
Gabrielle.
But everyone calls me Gabby.
Hello, Gabby. Pleased to meet you.
My name's Helena.
I've got a little girl, you know,
about your age.
Does she talk like you do?
She does.
May I have a look at your computer, please?
That's your brother there, isn't it?
Myka.
John's little sister had the picture, but she didn't know where he was.
Why he suddenly left an archeological dig in Peru
to go to Egypt is still a mystery.
He sent her this photo.
It can't be, can it?
Don't make me ask.
That would explain a great deal.
Claudia, that image, print it out right now.
Return with your team immediately.
Okay, but what do I tell...
We have to confirm this.
I'm this close to asking.
The ancient archives.
Go.
Yeah, bring the print.
I hate myself for doing this.
What are the ancient archives?
Photo.
Artie, what does it mean?
The hieroglyphics in this photo match the markings right here,
and it translates as,
"An oasis between sand and sea."
What does that mean?
It means that someone has found the lost Warehouse.
Someone's found Warehouse 2?
How do you lose a Warehouse?
It was always believed to be somewhere near Alexandria.
Back when the Romans were conquering Egypt in 30 BCE...
Thirty-one. They had...
They had very little time to shut down Warehouse 2,
transfer the artifacts, so the agents at the time buried it.
Over time it was lost to the ages.
I don't buy that our three young Indiana Joneses
just stumbled into it for a school project.
Neither do I.
It is rather unlikely.
I think they must have broken the seal on the door,
and that activated...
A defense mechanism.
And that's what caused them later to desiccate.
Which is when Warehouse 2 woke up.
Woke up? You guys talk about it like it's alive.
Surely you know by now, Agent Lattimer, the Warehouse is more organic
than your average structure.
Warehouse 2 is back online?
So it would appear.
It still don't understand why it's affecting you.
When Warehouse 2 woke up, it began to look for its caretaker,
but its caretaker had been dead for 2,000 years.
So, it found the caretaker to the current Warehouse.
And that's you? You're the caretaker?
Yes.
Each Warehouse has a unique bond with the caretaker,
and now that bond is being shared between two Warehouses.
That was never supposed to happen.
Two networks, one server.
My mind cannot take the level of data being,
as Miss Donovan put it, downloaded.
Eventually, it will overload.
And by overload, you mean...
There is another difficulty.
As Warehouse 2 continues to eclipse my bond,
Warehouse 13 will
begin to... To die.
So, we need to find Warehouse 2 and shut it down.
I'll call the Regents.
They will send an expert to meet you in Egypt
who will help you with Warehouse 2.
Don't worry, Mrs. F.
We got this.
Agent Lattimer, this is unlike anything you've ever faced.
So, like always then.
He said he'd be wearing a Panama hat.
That guy's got Regent written all over him.
That, or "mug me" a little, too.
That would be a mistake.
The man who tried to pick my pocket would soon wish he hadn't.
Mr. Valda,
you're the expert on Warehouse 2?
I am,
and if Agent Lattimer here can refrain from trying to kill me,
we may even survive this.
How did anyone ever find this desolate place?
Somehow those kids did.
Looks like they planned on coming back here.
They didn't plan on dying.
John's sister, Gabby.
Your Christina was about the same age.
Yes, she was.
Where on earth did they get this?
Maybe they thought they were going to get rich?
Instead, they got a deadly face full of hematite and natron.
Basically, they were mummified alive.
But that's nothing compared to the challenges that await us within.
In Warehouse 2 mythology,
one phrase shows up over and over,
"Mind, body, soul."
What is that? A code?
When the security system was activated,
several traps came into play to ward off intruders.
Only fully trained agents at the time
knew their secrets and how to navigate them safely.
So, how does "mind, body, soul" help us?
That is for us to discover together.
Once at the center
we shut it down with this.
One of the only things that survived the burial of Warehouse 2.
Then once more unto the breach, dear friends.
I'll be right there. I got to make a call.
What?
I checked, this is what fashionable British archeologists
are wearing nowadays.
No, but it's what American filmmakers think
fashionable British archeologists are wearing nowadays.
Oh, really?
Well, it is ever so comfy.
Hi, this is Dr. Hernandez. Please leave me a message.
Hey, Kelly, hey. It's, um... It's me, Pete.
I'm sorry to call so late there,
but I'm about to go into...
A meeting, and it's going to be a tough meeting.
Lots of bad meeting stuff, you know?
So I... Just in case.
That I wanted to say that...
Well, I've been thinking about you and I living together,
and I think that...
Your time is up. Goodbye.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Oh, my God.
This looks like some kind of torture device.
It's a neural assessor.
It will monitor my brain waves and track the degree to which I'll be affected.
Yeah, her wave discharges have dropped considerably
and that indicates an increase in the effect of focal epileptiform activity,
and that means that...
We've got until this moon thingy scooches over to that doodad.
Yeah. When the moon eclipses, that will mean her brain has reached its...
Just keep an eye on the readout. Let me know if there are any changes.
Artie, changes! Changes!
Artie, we're at the entrance.
Valda's deactivating the booby trap on the hatch.
I'm neutralized the hematite.
The kids never made it past the entrance.
That's it.
Warehouse 2 sensed an intruder.
It's having an effect on Mrs. Frederic.
Valda says we're good to go. We're heading in.
Yeah, okay, go in, but be careful and hurry.
Mrs. Frederic doesn't have much time.
This totally blows the King Tut exhibit away.
What are we looking at?
I'm not sure.
That's not good.
And you were right.
Help me pry this open.
Nope. It's not going to be that easy.
Okay, mind, body, soul.
What if it's three clues instead of one?
Three different traps,
each one its own security device that needs to be deactivated.
Right. And this is the first one. Mind.
Yeah, as in I mind if this place flattens us like pancakes.
Okay, well, what if we used one of these posts to brace the ceiling.
No, no, no. Myka, Myka, Myka! Wait!
Pancakes.
Do you ever think about anything other than...
No, no, no! This is like a game I used to play at the Pancake House.
This is the only hole without a post, right?
A game of wits, a test of the mind?
No, a kid's puzzle.
Pete, how does it work?
Well, okay... We have to jump each post, like checkers,
but in a certain pattern until there's only one post left.
No, this is wrong!
I won free banana walnut pancakes every Sunday for a year.
They had to discontinue the contest.
Okay.
He knows his pancakes.
We got to take these out in order before the ceiling hits them.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I'm just chasing down this money trail...
Moot-kher-tou. Moot-kher-tou.
Claudia, can you find out what that means?
Moot-kher-tou.
Artie,
she's saying, "One must die."
Moot-kher-tou.
Pete! Okay.
Okay, last one.
Come on.
Pete, all right?
It's getting faster.
Hurry.
Pete...
Nicely done.
Bravo.
That's right. Dig it.
Who solved the test of the mind?
Pete did!
Only because you order off the children's menu.
Somebody's buying me pancakes for a year.
Perhaps we're going to get through this mission after all.
Wow. This couldn't get any worse.
Thanks for that.
Okay, there has to be some way to shut this off.
Maybe... Maybe these hieroglyphs are some kind of instructions.
Oh, let's see...
Charlie Brown T-shirt,
hairy eyeball,
foot. It's Tahtib.
"The Art of the Way."
Isn't that the ancient Egyptian martial art?
Like karate.
This is the body puzzle.
So, maybe this is the way.
Okay, okay, that is definitely not the way!
That is impossible!
Artie?
Vanessa.
Oh. I am so glad that you're here.
Well, glad is hardly the word under the circumstances.
I know. I know. I know. It's good to see you, too.
I mean, it's not good to see you.
I know.
We're going to get through this.
Oh, yes. Claudia, this is Dr. Calder.
Dr. Calder... Oh, Vanessa?
Oh, well, I've heard a lot about you. A lot.
Nice.
Can we focus, please, on more important things?
Yes, of course. We'll talk later.
Will hell be freezing over?
Vanessa? Oh, sure.
There you go.
Maybe we should try and rise above this situation.
Think I know the way.
I like her "the way" better.
The grappler. Don't leave home without it.
Moot-kher-tou.
"One must die."
Shall we?
Okay.
The water bearer holds the key.
What does that mean?
Just take this.
Remember what I said.
Wait a minute, what? Aren't you coming?
I'm right behind you.
Go! Go on! Hurry!
All right, all right.
Use your feet.
Valda!
Hold on! I can make it back there.
No!
You come back, we both die.
Moot-kher-tou.
One must die.
This is as it must be.
Now go!
We're not just going to just leave you here!
I won't give you the choice.
No!
Why didn't he let us help him?
I don't know. He read something on the wall back there.
It looked like it scared him.
Can we even do this without him?
We have to.
Look, we should tell Artie. Let me call him.
It's not working.
Well, maybe we're too far underground.
It would seem we go this way next.
We have to keep going, Pete.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh. Dr. Calder.
Good.
You know why I'm here? I do.
Artie?
Your neuro functions are dropping.
Are you in pain?
Yes.
Claudia, something is happening to the team in Egypt.
Use my Farnsworth to try to get a hold of them.
Yeah, yeah.
Her connection with Warehouse 2 is getting stronger.
I can't get a hold of them.
I think maybe their Farnsworths are out of range.
I've got to check on something. I'll be back.
Wennen yefedu eem, ioo khemetoo eem.
What is that? What's she saying?
"Where once there were four,
"now there are three."
Loo hem senooi er tenem.
Come on. Come on.
"And two will lose their way."
Mummy?
Pete.
Kelly?
Myka.
Mummy?
Christina?
Myka? Myka?
What's happening?
Welcome back.
A large Americano with an extra shot and room.
My favorite.
Christina?
Is that really you?
It's you.
It's me. Right here.
No, I mean it's you.
You're the one.
You.
Here's your next case. It's a tough one.
Lots of details, exactly the kind of thing at which you excel.
I can't wait for you to tell me all about it.
I've got you.
I've got you, love.
And I'll never let you go.
I'm a secret service agent
working at a top-secret facility
hunting down mysterious artifacts all around the world,
and you are the only one that I've ever told.
It's okay.
I'll always be right here for you,
and I can keep your secret because I love you.
Now it seems like just a series of random accidents
there in Great Falls, Virginia...
Artie, what's that doing there?
What?
There's nothing there.
The exit sign, it's new.
Very observant. That's my girl.
Once you and Pete get to Great Falls...
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Such a pretty little girl.
Mummy.
Artie, why are you being so nice?
I'm always nice.
Ish.
You don't give compliments, and certainly not with a smile.
I'm getting more in touch with my feelings.
What's that exit sign doing there?
Well, come over here and I'll show you.
Come on.
Myka, come right over here.
Come on. Come here.
Come on. Come over here.
No, this isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real!
Pete!
H. G!
Pete!
Wake up! Wake up!
Pete. Wait.
H. G! H.G., wake up!
Mummy.
Christina!
What did you do?
It's a soul test, okay? It tricked us.
It took us to our happiest place and made us feel secure
so we wouldn't notice...
It's the medusa.
The medusa!
Thanks.
It's Kelly.
What are you talking about?
She's the one.
Good. Yeah.
We should keep moving.
Helena?
Helena, are you all right?
My baby.
My little baby.
I'm so sorry.
It was so real.
Mrs. Frederic is dying.
If we don't do this, Warehouse 13 could die with her.
That's real, and we have a chance to save her.
Let's get this done. Okay.
We both know you must be prepared to do what you've got to do.
I know.
It doesn't mean I have to like it.
What do you have to do?
What is that?
Claudia, we all want Pete and Myka to succeed in Egypt...
And they will.
And if they don't, and if Mrs. Frederic dies
while she's still the caretaker, this Warehouse
will begin to close itself down.
If the Warehouse is to survive,
then a new caretaker must be in place
before I die and a new connection must be made at that moment.
A new connection?
With who?
Me?
Okay.
Flattering, but...
Um, why... Why me?
All of us have our purpose.
I'm really not ready for that.
You will be when the time comes. It's all part of the design.
Won't I just wind up getting my brain shredded, too?
Uh-uh. No.
When the connection with Warehouse 2 is broken,
Dr. Calder can take precautions.
Pete and Myka could still shut down Warehouse 2.
Yes. But there's not much time left.
Loo hem senooi er tenem.
The tests are over. We made it.
This must be the ancient Artie's office.
That's incredible.
What is that?
It's the only thing here that's on.
Yeah, not in a happy way.
It's probably safe to assume that's what's affecting Mrs. Frederic.
Wait.
Totally awesome.
My God.
Magnificent.
Okay, so how do we turn this orb off?
Well, this is the control center. Let's turn it upside down.
I should probably go down to the Warehouse
to see if there's a way to switch it off down there.
Myka, look at that.
Okay, it's a bunch of holes.
Maybe what Valda gave me fits into one of them.
Like a key.
That's what he said. A key.
Come on, Mrs. F, hang on.
We have to wait for Artie. He'll know what...
Claudia, we can't wait. It's time.
It's just another puzzle, Pete.
I'm sure we can figure it out.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There's something about this that looks...
Maybe it's like the mind test.
We put the key in a series of holes in a specific sequence.
No, no. It's something about the pattern.
It's... That's it!
Myka, I know it.
I need your wrist, please.
Now, Claudia.
That's the night sky. I used to study it with my dad.
Those are stars. Look, there's the Big Dipper!
That's Pisces and that's Aquarius.
The water bearer.
And the water bearer holds the key.
Come on, Pete, you're almost there! Just one more inch.
You did it!
Wait!
Connection's broken.
They must have shut down Warehouse 2.
Yay!
Victory lap.
See? I knew they'd come through.
How do you feel?
Well, I won't be running a marathon anytime soon.
Yeah, no, certainly not in those heels.
Myka. Myka.
Thank you, Dad.
That's two I got, you know. I know.
You solved one and I solved two.
I know.
It's not a contest.
You're right. You're right. It's not a contest.
But if it were,
I'd be winning.
Myka, you have to see this!
Dr. Calder. Yeah?
I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to come off like a brat back there.
I know you were just trying to protect the Warehouse.
Oh, honey, it's all right.
Listen, you're very young.
You're entering a world that's vastly more mysterious
than any of us can understand.
I just want you to know, though, that you will be ready.
Remember that.
Tell Artie I said goodbye.
Okay.
Maybe you should be lying down.
Maybe you should brief me on what was happening while I was ill.
Ah, you found my little project.
I did. Tell me.
Okay. Well, something's been eating at me since we got the ping.
You know, those guys who were mummy-tized, they're college kids.
They're not rich, but they went to Egypt, they staged this huge dig.
It had to cost a chunk of change.
You think someone hired them to find and enter Warehouse 2?
Someone with long arms and deep pockets.
You know, I find the source, I find the bad guy.
Enterprising. I'm impressed, Miss Donovan.
And your research came up with something.
I got a ping? Yes, you got a ping.
That can't be right.
The money that was used to hire those students, it's from...
It's from Warehouse 13.
Where's Arthur?
I don't know.
He said he'd be right back, but that was hours ago.
H.G., guess who just saved the day?
Oh, it was actually... It was pretty amazing,
with the night sky and the...
There were all these holes, and they were actually...
Stars. And...
Helena?
I do hope you can forgive me.
For what?
This.
Previously on Warehouse 13...
Why am I having these headaches?
When MacPherson was part of your consciousness,
he may have left something behind.
Paris, 1899.
My daughter, Christina, had been murdered.
H.G. Wells is to be fully reinstated as a Warehouse agent.
Thank you, sir.
And no matter how much good she's done for all of us,
I'll never trust that woman.
Someone has found the lost Warehouse.
It was always believed to be somewhere near Alexandria.
Warehouse 2 is back online.
So, we need to find Warehouse 2 and shut it down.
- H. G! - Hey!
Guess who just saved the day?
Myka! Myka! Myka, come on!
Pete? Come on. Get up. We got to go.
Pete, where am I? Egypt, Warehouse 2,
and we are in big trouble. Big bump.
I know. I got one to match.
What's that sound? That's sand.
No, I'm sorry, scratch that. It's the whole freaking Sahara desert.
This place is filling up with sand, Myka.
All right, the way we came in is history.
I don't know, when H.G. Bolted, she must have triggered some kind
of self-preservation thing, something that protects the artifacts.
H.G., she played us. She played me.
Oh, big time. Oh, I'll kill her.
I'm going to kill her.
Myka. What?
Mmm. I get the whole anger thing, but could you please just channel it
into finding us a way out of here? Okay. Okay.
Our Warehouse, right? There's a backdoor... Yeah.
...in our Warehouse, so there must be one here, too.
Bingo. Right.
Pete, look, a hatch! What?
Whoo-hoo! Myka, you found a hatch! Yeah!
A hatch! Whoo!
100 feet up there, so not as good, but...
Well, it wouldn't be up there if there was no way to get to it.
Right. Right? So let's look
for something, you know?
Egyptian endless wonder. Right.
Yeah!
Okay, just keep searching the shelves.
Okay, there's got to be... There's got to be something.
I don't know, like a magic ladder or a catapult or something.
And go! And move! It's probably just a rug, Pete.
And fly!
Oh, my God! Pete, I'm looking at the 10 original books of Plato.
Is there a chapter on flying? Not that I remember.
Oh, oh, oh! What about... What about... What about a snake around a staff?
Isn't that a medical symbol?
Uh, that's probably the rod of Asclepius.
It's probably some sort of healing device.
Yes. We can definitely use this.
Or not. Pardon me, sir.
Pete, Pete, over here!
Whoa! Right?
Okay, these wings were probably designed by Daedalus. He was the father of...
Icarus. Ha! Even I know that one. Turn around.
What? Why me? You're the one that eats like a bird.
Well, just... Just don't get us too close to the sun, okay?
They smell.
Ooh!
Whoa!
These things actually attract wind.
Yeah, they generate their own lift.
Holy crap.
Whoa!
Can you imagine watching a Browns game like this?
Yeah. I bet that's exactly what Daedalus had in mind. Up.
Pete, up! Huh?
Oh! The hatch! Yeah!
Get it, get it, get it.
Okay, stop, stop. Yeah, yeah.
Pull.
It's stuck.
Well, yank it. Yank it hard.
Really? At a time like this? I'm sorry.
Oh! What? Oh, come on.
Pete, do you hear that? That's the Farnsworth.
It must be working again.
Okay, we must be high enough. Back pocket.
What? Okay. Yeah.
Ohhh!
Stop laughing. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Artie? Hi.
Myka, listen, H.G. Is a bad guy.
We know.
Pete, good, you're together.
Yeah, we always kind of thought we'd go out this way. Look, Artie,
Valda's dead. Warehouse 2 is filling with sand.
Artie, listen, I'm really sorry.
Tell Kelly that I love her. It's all my fault.
Tell her that... Shh. Shh.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes? That's the last thing he's going to say to us?
I always thought it would be a little more, you know, meaningful.
He didn't even say goodbye. I know.
Oh! Myka, hold on! Hold on!
Pete! Close your eyes!
Ah! I can't see! Oh, God.
The wings of Daedalus. Good call.
Don't just flap there. Come on out.
Here we come. Hold on.
Whoo!
Man, you have got to let me keep these.
Oh, right, because they worked out so well for Icarus.
Artie, who are you? Jerusalem Jones?
What? I just bought this.
So, how'd you find us?
I pinpointed the coordinates on your Farnsworth.
It's a good thing it started working again.
Yeah. They're designed to work deep underground,
but when I lost the signal, I realized that H. G. Had jammed it.
I knew you were in trouble. When I got here, I reset the frequency.
It was a piece of cake.
Finally! Listen, H.G. 's a bad guy.
We know!
Judging from the depth of her preparation, it seems obvious to me
that H.G. Wells has been planning this
for a long, and I mean a long time.
She hacked into the Warehouse account to fund those students.
Yes. And she discovered, somehow, the location of Warehouse 2,
even before she was bronzed.
Did MacPherson know that?
Yeah, but she needed experienced agents to get in there.
Well, she obviously wanted an artifact, but which one?
The place is filled with sand, Artie.
It's going to take months to dig out.
Artie, Artie, is there... Is there some kind
of inventory of Warehouse 2?
Yes.
For a time I had a cognitive connection to Warehouse 2.
Much of its inventory was downloaded into my mind.
Hell of a backup drive. Can you access it?
I can try. It's fading.
Tell me quickly what you remember of H. G.'s last position.
Myka and I were in the office
trying to figure out where the key went, right?
And then H.G. Ran to see if she could turn off the orb.
She went to the main floor.
Can you describe the area in which she was ultimately found?
Uh, there was... There was vases.
There was lots of clay pots and vases.
How can she spot what's missing? She's just that good?
Yes. Now, I assume that Warehouse 2
has an inventory system like ours.
Each item is labeled with a hieroglyph of Anubis.
If Anubis is sitting, then the item is in its proper place.
If Anubis is running...
Ah.
A rack of spears. One is missing.
What kind of spears? Missing spear,
labeled in any way? Yes.
Fading.
I can't tell you.
The image is gone.
Okay, no, Artie, this is progress.
Right? Now we know it's a spear. We don't know where she is, but...
Paris. I'm still tracking H.G.'s access to funds.
She just bought a ticket from Cairo to De Gaulle.
Why Paris? When Pete and Myka were in 1961,
H.G. Told me her daughter was murdered in Paris.
Okay, so she's returning to the scene of the crime.
Or that's where Christina's buried.
Maybe the spear has resurrection properties.
She wants to bring her daughter back from the dead?
I don't know about spears, but I can tell you
resurrection is a dangerous practice and always comes at a price.
Yeah. Look at Mickey Rourke.
So...
All right, Pete, Myka, you go to Paris.
Claudia, you try to find out exactly where Christina is buried.
I will do research on spears.
Mrs. Frederic...
Will just be Mrs. Frederic.
Hey, it's Kelly. Do you mind?
Sure, Pete, we've got nothing but time.
Kelly, hey, I was just going to call you.
What happened to you?
Two days ago we had a vague conversation about moving in together, and then...
Then you disappear. Ugh, Kelly, God,
I'm so sorry. You know, you must think
I'm the biggest jerk in the world.
Well, I went between that
and wondering if I should be calling hospitals.
No, no, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's a long story. I had a sudden business trip.
Pete!
Look, Kelly, we got a lot to talk about.
Pete, you know, if you don't want to see me anymore, it's...
No, no. Kelly, look,
I love seeing you.
Okay? You're my happiest place on Earth.
You mean that?
I know it in my soul, okay? I just... I've got this one more trip,
and then I'm yours completely.
The minute you get back.
The second I get back.
And, Kelly, I love you.
Okay. I said it. Yes, I even said it first.
So go ahead, make fun.
I'm really glad you found someone, Pete.
You deserve it.
Okay, now I really feel like a girl.
Well, hike up your skirt, because we got a bad guy to catch.
Booyah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang back there, Pointer Sister.
Sorry, sorry. I thought... You know, handling some ancient spears would
trigger a notion, but...
Okay, well, I'm sorry to interrupt you
while you're handling your ancient spear,
but I found Christina's grave site.
Good. Did you let Pete and Myka know?
I texted them. They land at De Gaulle any minute.
All right.
Ahem. Um...
Artie, can I talk to you about something?
Will it make me feel old and uncomfortable?
Not this time.
All right, go on.
Okay. Um, when Dr. Vanessa was here trying to save Mrs. Frederic, she...
She said something that kind of scared me.
When it looked like Mrs. F might not make it, she said
that I should be ready.
Oh, and you want to know ready for what, hmm?
Actually, no. Er, I'm... I'm pretty sure I'm not ready.
I know that I might talk big sometimes, Artie, but I can't even
buy a wine cooler in this state,
so whatever you might have planned for me... Breathe, breathe, breathe.
You can do whenever you want.
You control your own destiny.
But she said it was... No, nothing has been decided.
Or will be decided without your complete consent.
You promise? With all my heart.
You'll live the life that you want. I'll make sure of that.
Thank you.
According to Claudia, the Cimetiere de Rennes
should be right around this corner.
H.G.'s probably already here. Good.
First time, shame on her. Second time, I'm bringing that bitch down.
I love it when you talk dirty. What?
Where's the cemetery? It has to be here. This is the address.
Excuse me, hi. Excuse me.
Do you speak English?
We're looking for the Cimetiere de Rennes.
Cimetiere de Rennes moved many years ago.
To where?
Ew.
What now?
Okay, look, if H.G. 's plan was to resurrect her daughter,
then she needed to arrange for the upkeep of her remains, right?
Which means there's an estate. And estates have lawyers.
French lawyer.
Mr. Sempe, thank you for taking this walk with me.
If you want to visit Christina Wells' resting place,
I can give you the address. You don't need me.
Oh, but I do.
I don't want to go all around Paris shooting people.
As my lawyer, you can give me full access.
Full access? I don't understand.
You don't have to understand.
You just need to sign whatever needs to be signed. And then what?
And then maybe I'll let you live.
You check the girl. I'll look for the lawyer.
Okay.
It's empty. He's gone.
She's in shock. Look, if H.G. Shot her
with the same gun that she used on us...
Then she's come and gone already.
Pete,
look.
I'm grateful she has been taken care of to my specifications.
I signed the papers. You can do whatever you want in here.
May I leave now?
In a moment.
Don't be rude.
Remove your shoes and step into this, please.
Madame, please, I'm just a simple lawyer. Not even a very good one.
Now would be nice.
What is it?
Primordial tar from Pitch Lake in Trinidad.
Don't really have time to explain what it does.
You wouldn't believe me, anyway.
I'm stuck.
You have no idea.
Help me! Help me!
No!
No, if you put water in it, it turns it into a tar pit.
Don't fight it, dude. That's what the wooly mammoths did.
Pete, H.G., she ran down there.
What on Earth was that?
Mr. Sempe, you mind waiting outside?
Happily.
This place is a labyrinth. She's gone.
Pete, would you mind...
What? You know, looking to see if Christina, if...
Ew! Yep. She's dead. Still really dead.
Okay.
Pete. Yeah?
H.G. Didn't even have the spear with her.
Yeah, but we don't even know how it works.
No, no, something... Something is wrong.
She took something. Something that's missing. The handle!
Are you sure there was a handle?
Yes. And the other one's right there.
Okay, if you can't see it, the ends have points.
Like arrows.
I've seen that shape before.
Where?
I don't know what it is, but I can't get it out of my head. Look.
MacPherson must have left an image of it inadvertently by the Pearl.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's look at that shape
from different angles.
Now, what did Myka say? That the tips have points?
Like arrows. Like arrows. All right.
Like arrows.
Now, does this suggest any...
Mrs. Frederic, do you see?
See what?
It's not a spear. It's...
The Minoan Trident.
So, a bad thing.
What's the Minoan Trident?
A weapon of mass destruction.
The first weapon of mass destruction.
Okay, okay, wait,
the Minoan Trident was the first weapon of mass destruction?
The Trident was the first artifact locked away by Alexander the Great,
in what became Warehouse 1.
In the 15th century BCE,
the Minoan civilization was destroyed
by a catastrophic volcanic eruption.
Oh, I know this one. It's the Thera volcano,
which created the island of Santorini.
The Thera eruption was thought to have been caused
by a Trident, which when jammed into the ground
three times, causes a fissure in the Earth's surface.
If done in the right place, it could unleash a volcanic eruption.
Is that what Plato based the story of Atlantis on?
Right. Right. Poseidon had a trident.
I played him in fifth grade with a pitchfork and a toga.
Beat out Ralph Brunskie for that part.
Kid had a voice like Jennifer Tilly.
I am Poseidon.
I'm terribly sorry. Que sera.
Peter,
the Trident is real.
That's one of the reasons the Romans came to Egypt.
Caesar wanted that power.
That explains why the Trident is in two pieces.
H.G. Found part of it in the 1800s,
and hid it on her daughter's casket.
And MacPherson de-bronzed her, so he could find
Warehouse 2 and the other half of the Trident.
That's why she killed him. He was about to tell us.
The question is, now that she's got both parts,
what is she planning to do with them?
Someone evil just bought a plane ticket.
To?
Casper Natrona International, Wyoming.
That's only two hours away from here.
All right, get back here right now.
MacPherson was collecting artifacts to sell them to the highest bidder.
Do we think that H.G.'s doing the same thing?
Let's hope so. The alternative could be unpleasant.
Good boy. You did great, Harvey.
There's a lot less to lick now, but I promise you
it'll make your life a whole lot easier.
Oh, Pete.
Gorgeous.
Oh, look, Harvey, he even engraved it with our favorite breed.
Let's send him a picture of us using it.
It looks like things are okay between me and Kelly.
Why would you say that?
She sent me some pictures...
With her and a little puppy.
Look, she's powdering his nose. Look at the little puppy!
Okay, it's official. I'm a girl.
You had a lot of vibes about H.G., didn't you?
No. Not really.
God, you're a terrible liar.
What?
Look, I trust your instincts, Myks.
We're partners. A team.
Yeah. I put the team in danger because
I thought I knew better than everybody else.
Look, you need to forget about that. Okay?
There's no way that any of us could be sure that...
No, there was plenty of doubt, from everyone but me.
H.G. Has a huge advantage, Myka.
She's willing to lie, steal and kill to get what she wants, and we're not.
So, I'm going to side with us on this one.
With you.
- Lattimer. H. - Oh, good, you've landed.
I do hate voicemail.
Oh, hey, lady cuckoo.
We were just talking about you.
Uh, well, what, are you calling
to play a little game of Let's Make a Deal?
Oh, I'm afraid not, dear boy.
Oh, come on. Nut job like you must have quite a wish list.
How about a little electroshock therapy?
Zap the crazy right out of you.
Run a trace on Pete's phone. Already happening.
We put a trace on both your phones
as soon as you got to Paris, just in case.
Once I lock in on her signal, I can track her with this.
With what? What is that? Show me.
Are you messing around with stuff in the Farnsworth aisle?
I've been quite impressed, keeping up with me as you have.
Not quite catching me, of course.
But then, I am me.
Well, go ahead, get nice and comfy.
Oh, don't worry. I've closed all my accounts and buried my trail.
So, now, are you just calling to brag,
or did you get a sudden craving to be bronzed again?
Because we can make that happen for you.
For such a mediocre kisser, I'd have thought you'd at least have brains.
Yeah, well, you taste about as old as you are,
so right back at you there, grandma. Now, what do you want?
Just to suggest that you check in on Kelly about now.
Pete, don't.
Listen, you leave her the hell alone.
She has nothing to do with this. Oh, I haven't done a thing.
But you... You sent her a lovely gift.
I'm sure she'll be crazy for it.
We have to get to Kelly. No, no, no. No.
No. She's just trying to distract us.
Artie, I can't stay here. I got to go.
All right, just watch your back. Got it.
Where is she? Wyoming, and not far, but...
What? She's not stationary. She's moving.
Looks like l-26, heading for Bryson Reservoir.
Bryson, Bryson...
Bryson is in the middle of nowhere.
I mean, it's not even a tourist stop on the way to...
Yellowstone.
So what? She's on a road trip to see America?
She can't be.
You don't think that...
You don't think what? She can't be what?
The Yellowstone Caldera. Artie.
I've got a map here. Not this.
This! Seismic hazard map of the six known supervolcanoes in the world,
and the most powerful of which is thought to be Yellowstone Caldera,
which is under... Well, it's under Wyoming, Idaho, and Montana.
Are you kidding me? People go there for vacation.
If H.G. Were to jam the Trident into the ground there...
It would cause a chain reaction of monstrous proportions.
Millions would die immediately, but there's a far greater problem.
Bigger than millions would die?
The last supervolcano that erupted was 75,000 years ago.
Triggered an ice age.
Only 6,000 humans survived.
Claudia, you go back up Pete.
You and I are going to Yellowstone.
She's taking a car. We'll take a chopper, we'll get ahead of her. Go, go.
Right. Hey. You know, this is kind of cool.
Good luck. Yeah.
- Can we get there in time? - We have to.
Kelly, are you here?
Kelly?
Kelly!
I've been waiting for you.
Oh, my God. You scared me to death. I thought...
Hey! (EXCLAIMING) Kelly!
Wait a minute! Just hold on!
Just cut it out!
That is exactly what I intend to do, cut it out.
This has to be an artifact.
Even I can't make women this angry.
Just stand still.
Listen, Kelly, somebody did something to you, and I don't know what,
but just please, you got to trust me.
I love you, Pete.
Oh, babe. I love you, too.
And that's why I have to kill you.
Really? Really? No!
Give me that. Kelly!
Pete, what are you doing?
Kelly, are you back?
What's going on? Let go of me.
Must be the knife. What, she gave you Lorena Bobbitt's knife?
I'm so thirsty.
Here, come on, babe. Come on. Come on. Oh!
There you go. I need some water.
Are you okay? No. Get me some water.
All right, hold on. I'll be right back.
Ow.
Oh, God. Are you putting me down?
Now, we'll do this the easy way.
Artie, something's fishy.
Pete won't answer his phone.
Don't worry. Claudia has his back.
She's got to be right around here.
The magma chamber is highest here.
Right here? Yeah.
Okay.
What's that for? This is a subterranean heat sensor.
Reaches thousands of feet into the ground. Okay, wow,
the temperature is astronomical here.
If she's coming, she's coming here.
And here she is.
I'm not surprised you found me,
but I'm quite baffled that you expect to do anything about it.
And what could you possibly want
that you would go to these lengths? What? Money? Power?
What? Nothing.
Nothing? What do you mean, nothing? You obviously know what you're holding.
This isn't a bargaining tool.
I intend to use it right here, right now.
Hi, Kelly.
What's up?
Claudia, you can't be here right now. I have work to do.
Ah, Kelly, hey, hey! Hold on a second.
What are you doing there? Chopping Pete up into little bits.
Uh-huh. Right. And why?
Because I love him. That's a beautiful way to show it, but...
Claudia, if you don't get out of my way,
I'm going to have to kill you.
I'd really rather you just give me the axe.
All right, then.
There's got to be something here. Did somebody send you that axe?
Let go of me!
What's new here, Kel?
Compact!
Hello, antique-y. Where'd you come from?
Pete sent it to me.
Hang on a sec, Pete, kind of got my hands full here.
"L.A.B." Laboratory? No.
Ah! Initials. Okay, Lonny?
Lindsay? Larry? Lizzie? Lizzie! Lizzie Borden! Whoo!
Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father 40 whacks.
And when the job was neatly done,
she gave her mother 41.
No! No! No!
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
And why is Pete tied to my table?
Claudia, what's happening?
It's okay. Somebody, I can't tell you who,
gave you Lizzie Borden's compact.
Lizzie Andrew Borden. I did a term paper on her.
Apparently, you name your daughter Andrew, and she chops you into little bits.
Big surprise.
I tried to kill Pete.
No, it's... It's okay.
Why would I do that?
Well, looking into the compact
probably makes you kill the thing you love,
so maybe Lizzie did it after all.
What are you talking about?
No, no, baby. Baby, this is good.
Okay? This means that you love me.
Stop. See,
because the truth is... Stop.
I tried to kill you.
Wait, Kelly. Hey, Kelly. Kelly, it's all right!
Just give it a rest for a bit.
Give her head time to catch up.
But, wait, I don't understand.
Why would you kill millions of innocent people?
Innocent? Open your eyes, Myka.
Have you looked at the world in which you live?
So because you lost your daughter, because you're angry...
No, don't you dare.
This may have begun with Christina's murder, but it's not about that.
Yeah, I foolishly believed that if I could find a way to travel through time,
then things would have improved.
A Utopia would have emerged, but here we are,
over a century later, and things have actually gotten worse.
The divide between rich and poor, hunger and famine,
war and violence and hatred, all flourishing beyond control.
Indeed, men have found new ways to kill each other
that were inconceivable in my day, even by fiction writers.
But millions of us are struggling against that every day.
This planet needs a rest from what you've done to it.
It needs a chance to repair itself.
Oh, my God, you seriously intend
to start another ice age.
The only way to save this world
is by destroying the parasites who are eating it alive.
I don't normally do this.
And you're going to wish you hadn't.
Artie? Oh!
Artie, what is it?
The Corsican Vest?
Afraid so.
Artie, what's... What's happening?
Well, the vest, it belonged to the Corsican brothers, twins.
When one of them got hurt, the other felt it.
You did that to yourself.
Where did you find it? Venice?
Fort Lauderdale. Of course.
Hey...
Myka! Three times.
Don't let her do it three times.
I won't.
I wouldn't.
Myka, talk to her. Talk to her.
So what? The entire planet is subject to your judgment now?
What about the millions of mothers who are going to lose their daughters,
just like you lost Christina? Is that right?
This is no world for a child.
I don't think you believe that.
I do. Watch me.
No!
Myka, that's two.
You are lying to yourself.
You never wanted this. If you wanted to kill Pete and me,
you would have done it in Warehouse 2, or in Paris.
And Artie, you would have let him die in Russia, but you didn't.
I needed you to trust me.
No. You needed us to stop you.
You wanted us to follow you and stop you.
That's why you called Pete this morning.
Think, Helena.
You're so filled with grief and anger,
but there is a part of you, I know it.
There is some small part of your soul
that knows that this is wrong
and that part is still alive, and it's just pushing to get through.
Yes.
That's the part that refuses to kill the very people who can stop you.
No. Stay away from me.
All right.
If I am wrong, then kill me.
Do it! Kill me now!
I mean, we're all going to die anyway, right? So what's the difference?
So, shoot me. Shoot me now.
Kill me, but not like that.
Not like a coward.
I want you to look me in the eyes and take my life.
Come on.
Do it.
Do it!
So, if you're not going to put H.G. Wells back in the Bronze Sector,
where's she going to go? Some other weird place that we don't know about?
The less you know, the better you'll be able to do your job.
That doesn't sound good.
You both did excellent work retrieving that artifact
and preventing a worldwide disaster.
That, of course, is the prime directive of Warehouse agents.
H.G. Wells was a formidable opponent. She fooled us all.
She didn't fool Artie.
Unfortunately, still a lousy shot with a real gun.
Ah.
Are you going to die on us every year? Because it's getting kind of boring.
I'm going to keep dying until it takes.
Or not. Ow! It hurts when I shrug.
Yeah, well, I bet wagging your finger at me, old man, will be...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, kiddo.
Hey.
I plan on making your life hell for a very long time.
Can I hug you? Maybe later in the week.
Okay.
Hey. What are you,
putting together some stuff for a shelter?
I'm leaving.
Okay, okay, look, I'm sorry.
I've been really busy at work.
But I found some bones in the garbage today I had to bury...
I know. I know. I know. I've been wanting to tell you.
But... Okay, I don't really work at an IRS warehouse.
No kidding.
All right, just... Just listen, okay?
The rule is I can tell one person, one really important person...
No. Don't.
I am not the one, Pete.
So, please don't tell me.
I don't want a complicated life.
Complicated? It's not that complicated.
Kelly, it's way more simple than it looks.
Okay, Lizzie Borden's compact makes you kill the one you love, like she killed her dad.
You love me and I love you. It's simple.
It's just that your life is filled with excitement
and danger and just insanity,
and it's all the things that I don't want.
There are quiet days, too.
Goodbye, Pete.
Stay safe.
Hey. What's up?
I've been
trying to figure out ways to simplify my life,
and it all boils down to three words.
"Quit your job, Pete."
Four words. Mmm-hmm.
I wasn't counting "Pete."
So, then what?
I don't know. Get Kelly back.
I don't know. Try and live a normal life.
What?
If you had wanted to do that, you would have already left.
Look, just because that worked on H. G... This...
This is the right life for you.
It is.
You were born for it. And you're really, really, really good at it.
You are. And you need this Warehouse,
and this Warehouse 13 needs you.
You can't quit.
Yeah.
All right, I'm going to go see Artie. You coming?
Um... Pete, I...
In a bit.
Okay. Okay.
I understand you wanted to see me.
Yeah. Yes.
Would you... Would you give this to Artie, please?
Myka.
You can't blame yourself. It could have happened to any one of us.
But it didn't. It happened to me.
You talked her down. You saved us all.
It should never have come to that.
I put the entire world in jeopardy. I can't
even conceive of that. I just know that I can't...
I can't take that chance again. And neither can you.
"Artie, it breaks my heart to write this.
"We both know the Warehouse is my happiest place.
"I have thought a lot about this, and I can't stay here.
"If I do, I'll second guess myself into oblivion.
"Please forgive me, but I have to go.
"Pete, you're the big brother I never had.
"I wish I had your strength.
"I know I frown at you and punch you a lot,
"but I'll always love you. Please be careful.
"Leena, you're the only mom they have.
"Watch over them and make sure that Artie eats right.
"Claudia,
"take care of Pete and Artie.
"Let's face it, you're the only real adult in the group.
"I wish I could be there to see you
"grow into the amazing woman you're going to become.
"I love you all. Myka."